An unexpected gift among the presents

Although it is not yet Thanksgiving the Christmas season is upon us. You can see it everywhere in stores, commercials and I have even seen a tree up in someones home! The holiday season brings alot of things and one of them is shopping for presents. If your like me, this is one of your favorite parts of the holidays, I LOVE to shop. Typically, I do not start quite this early but since we have to send Charlie his gift  and it can take a while to reach him, I have been out shopping for him. Not only did I need to find his Christmas gift but his birthday is in December as well.

It's hard to have to shop for your child's birthday when you have never met him, it's hard to shop for him because you will not be there when he opens his presents. It's hard to shop because we can't really send him anything too big and I feel bad that he is not getting a lot.  It's hard for my mind and heart to go there, to think about him having a birthday and not being with his true family to celebrate him. It's hard to think about Christmas and how in our family we focus on Jesus but this year he will be in a foster home that is Buddhist. It is so hard to have so many unknowns, we don't know how he is doing, we don't know if he received the package we sent him. So you get my point,  these are hard things to go through!

Yesterday a bit of the "hard" got a little easier. We received a phone call from our casework, she had recently been in Korea. She told me she got to meet Charlie ( insert large amounts of jealousy). She went on to tell me about my son and how he is doing. She told me he is a very happy baby and a very busy little boy. She told me that he loves the interactive photo album we sent him and plays with it all the time. His foster mother goes over our pictures with him everyday and he watches the DVD of Greyson and I reading him a book. She said she took some pictures of him for us and did a quick little write up of his height, weight and just some general things about him. Now that is better than any present I could find or get this season...That is a true GIFT!

It was so fun to hear about him and the pictures are in the mail and I can't wait to see them!!  This was very unexpected because we were told that we would only get one more update on him around his birthday. To get more pictures and some word on how he is was just wonderful.  She also told us our paperwork was going to be filed for EP by the end of next week. EP = exit permit, you can't get a court date without a permit to exit the country with your child. So another step is done and a new one begins. Unfortunately she said this next step was taking at times 2-4 months to process. That stinks but at least we have something specific to pray about. Please pray with us that our paperwork moves in a timely manner and that we get our son home soon!

I am trying to take pictures of everything to have as a record for Charlie of all the things that went into his process. I did take pictures of his presents. I bought him clothes as well as some little toys for both his birthday and Christmas. Right now everything that he wears does not belong to him, it's whatever the foster mom has. It makes me sad to think that besides what we send him, he has nothing of his own. So for now he has just a few things but rest assured when he gets home I will put my love of shopping to good use :). I attached the photos and I will end with giving God the Glory for the gift of His Son and for giving me the gift of mine.

Is 12:4 - "Give praise to the Lord, proclaim his name; make known among the nations what he has done,and proclaim that His name is exalted. Sing to the Lord, for He has done glorious things; let this be known to all the world.

Birthday gift, we are told he loves the bath so we sent some

bath toys.

Christmas Gift, I always buy Greyson a "Christmas Sweater" and now Charlie will have one too. The stackable cups were a favorite toy when Greyson was little and it sounds like they are alike in many ways so I am hoping Charlie has fun playing with them as well.

Some thoughts on obeying and a bear

I have been thinking a lot lately about obedience to God and what that truly looks like and what it could mean if you do or do not obey Him.  Recently, we have had the question come up on more than one occasion of why we are adopting. In a nutshell it is because we are being obedient to what God and what he told us to do. While we did know all along that someday we would adopt the timing of it was different than how we had envisioned.

I'm saying all of this because I was thinking about what if we hadn't listened, what if we didn't believe He would do what He said He would, what if we decided it was inconvenient or not the right time. If we hadn't listened who would be getting Charlie? Would he be going to a Christian household who would teach him about Jesus? Would we have regret because of our inaction? I can't answer those questions because we did listen but I wonder about how many other times my heart hardened and I did not listen? How many opportunities have I missed?

When I had Greyson so much of my thought process changed, I saw people in a new light and I saw God in a new light. This adoption process has done the same thing for me. When I pray for this or that, when I beseech the Lord for something, no matter if it is a physical, material or a spiritual matter I want  a certain outcome (and if your like me, I want the "my way" outcome). But have you ever thought about the people he uses in this world to answer prayers (even if it's not the answer you thought it would be)? Have you ever thought that by doing even the simplest thing you may be the vessel by which God can move? I have been praying for the people involved in our process that their hearts be changed and used by God but I should be praying that for myself just as often if not more than I pray that for others. That my heart be open and willing and that I be used by Him.

I want to be the person that obeys immediately because for one it is an act of devotion and love to God and for two I do not know who's life I may be impacting by simply being willing to do what I feel God told me to do. It may not be a big thing, it may seem unimportant to you but it may be just the thing someone else needed. It may be just the thing that changes someones life and you may never even know it. Here I am praying for others and I realized that without many, many other people just listening to the still small voice that prompted them to act we would not be where we are at in this process. We would not have a little boy waiting for us, waiting to join his forever family. So thank you all who have prayed at just the right time or sent a card, money or just texted to let us know your thinking of us. Your simple act of kindness and obedience has already made the difference in a little boy's life and in ours. I pray that each of you and certainly me be attentive to what God is saying to us on a daily basis because He is searching, listening and waiting for us to say yes to Him.

Now on to the matter of a bear, I guess it's really a dog from the store Build a Bear but we made one this week because someone who I have not actually ever met except via facebook is traveling to Korea and wondered if we wanted them to take anything to our caseworker so she could give it to Charlie. We were thrilled about this and are so thankful to them for taking him a little gift. Greyson picked out the dog and named him Furry. He picked out an outfit and we bought a "pawsport" so Furry is now good to travel. We recorded all of us saying Hi in Korean and overall just had a very fun day. Greyson got to make one for himself as well and it warmed my heart when he told the workers at the store that he was making identical bears for himself and his brother. Here are a few pictures that we took of the process and I am glad to have these to add to Charlie's life book:

Hurry up, Hurry up, Hurry up....and wait.

Well yesterday marked a month since we got our referral call. I was thinking today how fast this month has gone and that while I am still tense through this process, I have felt a relief knowing that I am not waiting and wondering everyday about the referral. We have had a lot  of decisions to make in the past month, we have had a lot of paperwork to fill out in the past month and we have dreamed about our new son. We did make the a decision of a name for our little guy, we are naming him Charlie John-Hanung Cook.  It's a wonderful feeling having a name and a picture!!

We have learned a few things about what lies ahead for us and what the process now looks like. I thought giving a quick update was a good idea because so many people have been asking:

Steps:

1. Paperwork gets to Korea and needs to be translated - can take up to 6 weeks.

2. After translated our paperwork goes to the Ministry of Welfare and Defense for review- Although our paperwork may be ready to be looked at, the ministry only takes a certain number of cases at a time, when one is finished then they will accept another case. So basically our paperwork could sit and wait for who knows how long until approved.

3. Once approved our paperwork heads to a judge in the court system -  It's the same system with the courts as with the ministry. If the ministry is done with our paperwork but the court has their case load at a maximum then our paperwork will wait until a spot is open.

4. Once approved by the judge we get a court date - We have about 3-4 weeks from the court date to travel. We will be in Korea for about a week and meet Charlie and go to court. Then we go home -empty handed...

5. Our paperwork then goes into a cooling off period ( no idea why) for two weeks, then basically gets approved and we get our Visa's from the US/Korea. We are told this can take 3-8 weeks and then we go back to Korea for another court visit and to take him home!!!

So ya know just a few things... This is why it takes 6-9 more months before we can go. It is such a strange process to me. We had two weeks to accept the referral and a week to get our paperwork done and sent over but then after all that hurrying up, now we wait. It's hard!

 We have been told that we will most likely get one more update regarding Charlie around his one year birthday but besides that we don't get to hear anything about him. It is a little surreal to wake up and wonder what your child is doing today, did he sleep well, did he get an ouchie and cry, was he happy or did he discover how to do something new??? Most mom's get to experience all of these things with their children and bond with them in the process. I do not, for now I do not get to kiss his tears or rock him to sleep or see him walk for the first time. I just try not to dwell on it and thank God that he is healthy and from the pictures he looks happy!

We did get to send him a package and that is fun! Ron videotaped Greyson and I reading a book and then we made it into a DVD, we sent a disposable camera so that hopefully his foster family will catch some of the "firsts" we will miss and for Charlie that he will have pictures of his life before we came to us.  A recordable photo album was also sent and we all said hi to Charlie including Marge who barked for him. A blanket, toy and an outfit plus some coffee and mugs for the foster family. We will get to send one more package but that is all we can send. Thankfully his birthday is near Christmas so we are planning to send him a birthday gift and Christmas present at the same time.

Fall is just around the corner and so we are entering a busy, busy time of year. Greyson started school last week and turns five in a few weeks. Ron has a conference in Las Vegas at the end of the month and I am going as well, then it's our anniversary, Thanksgiving and Christmas. As you can tell I am trying to fill my time(and my thoughts) and hoping this next part of the process flies by. I can't wait until he is home with his forever family!

Thank you all so much for your excitement and encouragement! We have a ways to go but at least we are moving. Currently, we are praying specifically for the hearts of those who are involved in our paperwork/process, that they be used by God and if they do not know Him that through our adoption they might come to know Him. Because really that is what life is all about...Him!

From three to four

I sit here with the computer on my lap and I keep trying to type/write what I want to say but I keep deleting things and starting over. I guess I'll start with this:

I have another little boy, we now have two children and Greyson has a brother! 

For those of you who have been following us you might be surprised that I put boy, we were surprised too. The extra long wait indicated that we were most likely getting matched with a girl. I had thought all along we would get a girl, I wanted a girl...Then I saw him, and what to say except, He's perfect and he's mine. (Now I'm crying again, for the 57th time in the last 3 days). I will start at the beginning now:

Typically I work all day on Mondays, at work I check my phone 1/2 a dozens times throughout the day to make sure I have not missed "the call." This past Monday I did not have to work, we went to the zoo. I made sure my phone was on ring and in a place where I would hear it, it did not ring at all in the zoo. As we were leaving I remembered I had to give my sister in law a bag of things and so I put Greyson in the car and walked 4 parking spaces down and handed her the bag. My phone rang then, while I was not in the car.(of course!) Out of habit I looked at my phone to check the time as I was pulling out of the zoo and notice I missed a call from an out of state number, I had yet to put in our new agencies contact info as they just legally took over our case a week ago. Half way down the road I realized it was from them and called them back.  I told myself not get my hopes up because we have been in contact a few times recently to discuss paperwork and the switch of the agencies. I assured myself it was a paperwork question. So I asked Darlene our caseworker if she had a question and she said "no questions but I have some good news." I said "I'm driving" and she replied " you might want to pull over" OH MY GOODNESS!  Could this be it?!? This couldn't be it because in my mind the call would come when I was out walking Marge on a warm summer morning and I would be by myself and the birds would be chirping and after they told me about my little girl I would fall to my knees and thank Jesus for her life and then I would run home and tell Ron. (Dramatic and Silly but when you have almost 2 years to think about it, you get a little crazy).

Well it did not go that way, it went by her telling me we had a referral, then waiting while she found the file back(seriously women, come on!) Me crying, ok really it was more like blubbering, before she even started telling me anything.  Finally file found and Congratulations, you have a little boy. He is 8 months old and healthy. WAIT, WHAT!?! She went on to tell me all kinds of other things, I remember it but not clearly. I had told Greyson to please be quite while I was on the phone so he was "whispering" to me from the back seat with a look of concern on his face. Poor kid, he has had to hear us talk so much about the adoption that when I started crying he asked what is wrong and I said we got a referral. My four year old knows what a referral is and he started clapping. So I'm looking around for a Kleenex because I now have snot pouring out of my nose and tears blinding my eyes, I'm at the end of the zoo parked next to people who are at this point trying to pretend like they aren't watching me, but they are.  Greyson keeps clapping and talking to me and in the midst of all of it comes this wave of peace and I hear God say "your ways are not my ways, your thoughts are not my thoughts" and I'm filled with happiness and relief. 

God in His wisdom and plans picked a little boy out for our family and we are thrilled!Everything I had planned in my own way was not what He had planned. You would think that after this process going absolutely the opposite of how we thought I would have learned that He is in control. Apparently, I am a work in progress. But I did end up getting a few spare minutes to myself later in the day and I did fall on my knees and thank him for my son's life. I get to wake up everyday and thank him for my boys and that is fun!

 We have a long road ahead of us as we still have to wait 6-9 months to travel to get him but he is young, younger than we thought our child would be at age of referral. He is being well cared for and is happy so that is comforting. For now we are focused on getting paperwork filled out and starting the next chapter of this adoption journey, getting our sweet boy home. I refer to him as our little boy because we have not picked out a name for him yet, His Korean name is Hanung. 

We are so thankful for the support and prayers of so many people, the kind words and cards. We know we have been lifted up in prayer so many times and now we ask that you pray for Hanung, that he bonds to us and that the transition is easy on him. I can hardly stand to think of what he will have to go through. Please pray for us too as we wait yet again and for Greyson, he has been an only child for almost five years and this will be a big transition on him as well. Thank You all so much! Most importantly we give Glory to God for the Great things He Has done!!

Here is our little guy, one of the pictures is from the hospital soon after he was born and the other two were taken on July 25 so they are very recent...We think he is pretty cute but we may be a bit biased.

"OK" - Not much else to say

Well I will just get to it, last Friday we received an email from the head director of Spence Chapin, our adoption agency. It was an odd email and very vague, basically it stated that they needed to have a phone conference with the both of us and it needed to be that day and it was important. Insert big gulp and knot in stomach! We set the meeting for noon and then I tried to fill the time until I needed to get to Ron's office. 

Preparing for the worst, I just didn't know what to expect but he started out the meeting by telling us that this call was not regarding a referral nor was it regarding our wait. ( knot in stomach loosened a bit)

He went on to explain that for the last year the board of directors at Spence Chapin has been considering changing the mission of the company back to what it was when they started. He went on to inform us that when our agency started it was really an advocate program for children in foster care or with special needs in NY. As time changed and international adoption grew the company got involved in the international scene. 

If you have read my blog or looked at my FB page you know about the movement called STUCK and how politics and red tape are ruining the international adoption process. Our agency agrees and has decided that they want to change their focus to waiting children or children with special needs. When I say waiting children that means older children or children with special needs. After reviewing the new focus of the agency we were informed that Korea does not have a program for older children or children with special needs so our agency is going to be dropping out of Korea all together. (Insert Big Sigh) The whole time we were getting all of this information all we kept saying was OK. It's the only response that fit, what else are we supposed to say. Not that other phrases didn't come to mind...

So what does this mean for us? This means that now we will be working with another agency out of Connecticut that Spence Chapin has high regard for and has been working with for the past few months to make sure the programs transitions is smooth and successful. We are assured and reassured that this will not change our wait time. Spence Chapin has had 3 of their top people in Korea hashing out the details and one of them will be going back Monday to continue to work on all the families in the programs behalf. 

I talked to our case worker  today and we had another phone conference with our current agency as well as the new agency. It went well. Our current case worker, whom we love and will miss as we have grown familiar with one another, encouraged us today regarding our wait. He said Korea was aware of our extended wait time and that they had acknowledged the  "nudge" email he sent to them last month. He told us that things should be happening "very soon" and all I could say was "OK"

Please keep us in your prayers!

Sucker Punched! Trying to see the positive in the mystery

It's hard to write lately because everything we learn about is really just pretty yucky. But this blog is an outlet for me, so I will update...

Three weeks ago our local caseworker screwed up our paperwork and to make a long story short everything worked out but not without tears, yelling and stress. I typically do not love confrontation but I did become a mama bear for my kid. I was so thankful all of that was behind us and we were back to just waiting and all our paperwork was updated. I really didn't expect the email we got a week later to knock us on our butts. It was a sucker punch if there ever was one!!

We received an email titled Korea Update and a letter was attached to it from our NY agency. Right away I knew it couldn't be good, I opened the letter and after reading it, sat there stunned. Basically Korea has once again changed their policies and it appears this time it is for real. The new policies includes all the things we never wanted to experience in the adoption process. I will list them:

1) We no longer get a 5 day one trip visit. We now have to have a court date and an embassy date and travel twice to Korea. Anyone adopting knows that this is standard procedure in other countries but Korea has never required this. It's one of the reasons we picked the program...How do you meet your child after waiting so long for them, only to leave them once again?!?

2.) The birth mother will be contacted after we have received a referral but right before we travel for our court date to ensure that she does still want the child to be adopted, gee, I really hope she hasn't changed her mind. If she does you do not get another referral right away although you do not have to start the wait process over again you do have to wait another few months.

3.) We have to appear in court twice, previously no court appearances were necessary.

WHAT?!? To say this news was hard to swallow would be an understatement!!! Especially because we still do not have a referral and May 21 was 17 months of waiting. I called our caseworker, Ben, from NY the next day to go over my 6,000,000 questions. He was helpful and calm. Honestly he is amazing and we love working with him. He talked through everything with me and said he was so sorry. He did suggest that to look at the positive we are able to "move" to Korea for 4 weeks rather than take two trips. This sounds crazy but it is something we are considering. To stay positive we are looking at it as an amazing opportunity to see our child's culture up close and personal and to get to know the baby a little better before we fly home (21 hr flight). We are so fortunate to have flexibility in Ron's job that this could even be an option for us. My heart aches for families who received this news and this could be the final straw for not being able to adopt. The cost of 1 round trip ticket to Korea averages 2,200$. So we are talking thousands of extra dollars to an already extremely pricey process.  Who are these people that change policies at a drop of a hat, ultimately as hard as this is on all the families involved, the waiting children are who suffer the most!

In talking to our caseworker I brought up that we had been waiting over the 15 month time frame. 15 months was supposed to be the longest time we would wait. He was honest with me and said that we were the only family in the Korea program who has waited this long. If I dwell on that statement for too long a sorrow so strong comes over me I am not sure I will ever stop crying. He was at a loss as to why this was as are we. He did however send a "nudge" as he called it to SWS in Korea and just kindly let them know our wait had exceeded expectations. He said in the past this has really helped moved things along as it brings our case to their attention. This was almost 10 days ago...

We have seen a few "God" things in the last few weeks as well. Via FB we were connected to a couple who is adopting from Korea, we have not met anyone else adopting from Korea! They leave this week to meet their daughter for the first time and I am so thrilled to meet them once they come back. We have such a common goal and we have so much in common just because we are adopting. We have gotten involved in the movement STUCK and bothendsburning. The movement will open your eyes to the international adoption world and shock you to action. It was timely as our child is basically STUCK now because of politics.

While this is such a downer blog there is one song that I heard right after we received all of this news and the words just hit me. They so describe how I feel, they minister to my banged up psyche and I do know He is already there. I am going to write the lyrics at the bottom but I am asking for your fervent prayers. We have been specifically praying for a release! That our child is released and able to come home! I know so many are praying because you send letters and texts and encouraging words and so please do not stop! Thank you for your faithfulness, we need it right now!

Your Already There -Casting Crowns

From where I'm standing
Lord, it's so hard for me to see
Where this is going
And where You're leading me

I wish I knew how
All my fears and all my questions
Are going to play out
In a world I can't control

When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory

'Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there

From where You're standing
Lord, You see a grand design
That You imagined
When You breathed me into life

And all the chaos
Comes together in Your hands
Like a masterpiece
Of Your picture perfect plan

When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory

One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
I can't wait to enjoy the view
And see how all the pieces fit

One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
'Cause You're already there
You're already there

A fast paced stand still

It amazes me that it is nearly May! Although it does not feel like it in Michigan, spring is here! We have entered another season and in some respects time seems to be flying by us. The last few months of our lives have been so crazy, we are still trying to catch our breath. Some days I literally felt like I was running to be in 10 places at once.

I feel like I'm in a movie scene that shows special effects, I'll explain as best I can. In some movies when something pivotal happens to a character they make the entire world seem as if it is flying by yet the character is stopped in time watching as the world moves at a fast pace around them. That is how I feel in regards to the adoption. Our family is at a stand still and yet we are moving.

Some people,especially lately, have asked us if we are still adopting. It's a reasonable question really when you think of how long ago we announced that we were starting the process (2yrs) some others have suggested that we switch countries to make the process go more quickly. For anyone who knows anything about adopting this probably made you giggle. It's not like changing a pair of underwear, it's a bit more complicated than that, and we don't want to change our country. These aren't mean questions they are just honest ones. But we are confidant that we will get a referral.

In March we were told that we in a group with 5 other families that were at the the same wait time we were and that of the next few referrals one will be ours. I am at the point where I will believe it when I see it! It's not that I don't have hope, my confidence in God is unwavering, it's just that in this process I have learned to base nothing on anyone's timeline. So far everything has taken so much longer than even our agency expected it to. That is why I feel like I'm in a fast paced stand still.

In the last 5 weeks we have sold our house(in 2 days) updated our home study twice, moved out of our old house, moved in with Ron's parents, traveled to Disney in CA, totaled our car in an accident that thank God we were fine, found a new car, suffered through the loss of my grandmothers death, celebrated in the new life of a niece or nephew that is due in Oct. And through it all, each and every day of not only the last busy few weeks but the last 16 months, I check my phone dozens of times to make sure I haven't missed the agency calling. I play a scenario out in my head of what I will say or how I will act when the call actually comes. I consider how we will feel when I finally lay eyes on a picture of our child. And so far I am left to only my imagination on such things.

Greyson will be five in a few months, he asks why he doesn't have a brother or sister. We can't give him one just yet, can't eve try to have a baby of our own( signed agreements in the paperwork that we wouldn't get pregnant) and it's this area that is one of the most frustrating. We want to grow our family! We want to move forward in life and it is so hard to do so when we are waiting...

A simple verse plays out in my head a lot lately and it's a verse that has helped me throu a lot of stuff. It's in regards to Hagar and her struggle of conflict with Ishmeal, Isaac and Sarah. The verse says something along the lines of " and God saw her" even now the implications bring tears to my eyes. He sees my stand still, He's aware of what is in my heart, he is working all things together. And that brings me Peace, a Peace that passes all understanding. I hope you know the same is true for you in your life. He sees you!