Part of the Family

This week we have some friends who are in Korea meeting their daughter for the first time. I have been thinking and praying for them all week and I know the anticipation they are feeling. Thinking about them so much has me reviewing our trips to Korea which leads me to analyze the time we have been home and our journey as a family of four so far.

Last week our caseworker came to do another home study, she is a sweet women and doesn't mind saying what she is thinking. When she was at our house, Charlie was being his busy self, running around, wanting a drink or a snack and climbing on everything. She was observing all of us interact with one another and after a little while she said "Well, I think that it seems like he has always been here." In truth I don't agree because the months may be fast but the days can be very long but later that night plus a few more times during the week I pondered her comment again. I thought to myself, does it seem to outsiders that he has always been part of our family? I think that while I still have a lot of doubt and worries about wether he is adjusting okay, talking enough, feeling loved and connected the bonding process is in fact going pretty well.

This week we were at Greyson's soccer game. Charlie and I were at the play ground before the game started and I told him it was time to go, naturally he was not happy about this, who wants to sit and watch a bunch of 5yr olds attempt to kick a ball verses running wild at the playground. I was trying to convince him that we could go get a snack or his drink and he wasn't having it but then I said "Daddy is on his way, want to go find Daddy?" He stopped trying to throw himself out of my arms and got a huge smile on his face, the women walking next to us noticed and said "Well the thought of daddy makes him happy" and I thought about my caseworkers comment. Most children look forward to seeing their dads at then end of the day or during the middle of the day when it is unexpected and Charlie was no different in this case. He's aware of whom "his people" are and he is eager to see them. Moments that seem so normal to others but are big milestones in regards to the adoption process make me smile.

The last few weeks I have noticed that Greyson has stopped treating Charlie with kid gloves, stopped seeing him as new. They are beginning to fight, a lot. Charlie at 21 months of age is very aware of what buttons to push to anger Greyson and it seems he takes some pleasure in doing so. This week I have had to tear Greyson's toothbrush out of Charlie's mouth and give it back to Greyson. I have had to put Charlie in the chair (numerous times) for unplugging the Wii while Greyson was playing.  My conversations go like this:

" No Greyson if Charlie can't have crackers ten minutes before dinner what makes you think you can?"
"Can you please just let your brother have a turn too?"
"Don't take them from him"
"He is still little, he doesn't understand"
"No Charlie, thats Greyson's"
"Charlie, don't hit, thats not nice"
" Oh Oh Charlie, don't dump his water all over his floor"
"No Greyson that's Charlies" and my personal favorite...
" Greyson if you say butt, booty, fart or penis one more time in front of Charlie your are going to be in deep trouble"
This phrase equally stresses me out and make me laugh. If you are or have raised a little boy, you know all about the potty language. It makes me laugh because honestly it's funny but it stresses me out because Charlie is really trying to talk but he is not making a lot of correct sounds yet and I am just waiting for him to finally get the P sound down and start saying penis all the time. Anyways, as much as kids fighting can be annoying and frustrating at this point in the game I am thankful for it. They are really starting to act and sound like brothers. That makes me smile.

So, maybe my caseworker was more accurate than I originally thought, maybe it is starting to feel like he has always been here. Soon our friends will start the very tough beginning phase of bringing their daughter home and acclimating themselves to each other but now I can honestly attest that it gets better, it won't always be so hard, you will enjoy family time again and eventually it will feel like they were always part of your family just like we dreamed, hoped and prayed about for years. And  like almost every time I think about how things have or have not gone as planned in this process the verse we started with pops in my head : He who calls you is faithful, He will surely do it. We can certainly see his hand at work in our family and that makes me smile too.

Here are some photos of my two boys acting like true brothers



Did not get ONE shot of them together smiling....

                                                     

                                              MOM! He is trying to get my toys again!

                             They look like angels but its only because we were out for ice cream

               " Greyson please stop bouncing so high and making him fall down every other second"

                                                   Not willing to wait for his turn to drive

                                                                Both love the water

                                                                 
                                            Hmmm, no one is watching, guess I will just get these treats

Pinned Ya

"Don't tell me I can't have his half of the Apple!!!"

Like I said: Makes me Smile 

My Brave Boy

This week marks 3 months of being home and so many times I have wanted to sit down and blog, its therapeutic to me and helps me arrange my thoughts. I have even opened my computer twice to start typing but never logged in because in all honesty what I had to say was not worth reading or worth me writing. To be perfectly honest I've been angry. I have grumbled, complained and been negative, exasperated and crabby. I am still not at a place of being back to myself completely but I am a lot closer than I was several weeks ago. The lack of sleep played a big role and the constant sickness. I do not do well with little sleep, I need it, I have always been that way. Too little sleep and I make mountains out of molehills, I cry easily, I snap quicker and I usually end up sick. I have been all of that and more the last 3 months but 3 weeks ago we turned a corner. We are all sleeping through the night and he is napping everyday(que the Hallelujah Chorus). The scary mommy is a lot less frightening with 7 hours of sleep but I can't blame my poor attitude all on sleep deprivation. I think if I am honest with myself I have been angry at God.

Charlie is a little tornado, he whirls in and creates messes and whirls out to go cause more trouble but he is darling. I have worked with many children in in my life and I can truly say he is the loudest toddler I have ever met. He is mischievous beyond words and he has the best giggle around but having him in our lives is not at all what I expected and I can guarantee he didn't see us coming either and that is where the anger comes in. I am angry at the timing, I am angry but almost more sad at the age difference between our boys. I hurt for what Charlie has gone through and I am angry he had to go through it. I think deep down that while I knew all along the trials of adopting a toddler and had taken classes and read books about it that I thought for us it could possibly be different. Ron and I talked about that a while ago that we both had unrealistic expectations of how it would go, after all the two times we met him it went so well(right like you judge anything based on two hours). I think we had wanted this for SO long and dreamed about it for years that our mindset had been clouded. I want to point out my feelings have nothing to do with Charlie, while he can be challenging he is a very typical busy 19 month. My feeling had to do with God and His plan, one I still don't understand.

I have played the if only game so many times since we brought him home.
-if only the process had stayed true to the original time frame
-if only he had been under one
- if only he and Greyson were closer in age
- if only we had not been out of the baby stage for so long
- if only things had gone my way...

But they didn't, none of it went the way we would have chosen and all along I had unshakable faith, He told us to adopt and that he had a child for us so I believed him, plain and simple. He said He would do it and I believe He will do what He says He will so I trusted(for almost 4 years) and then we got him home and BAM it all went away. My faith and trust, my peace vanished. I questioned Him, His timing, His ability, His reasons. No wonder I have been angry. I sat angry for a few weeks and then slowly when I actually found time to pray or read my devotions I would see the error of my thoughts, I could hear His gentle prodding, I read about the Isrealites and what became of a whole people group who decided to let anger and grumbling rule their lives. They didn't get to enter into the promised land. David speaks of his soul crying out in anger to God and then a Selah or pause and when he writes again it typically is about repentance. My hardness started to crack a little and throughout the last 5-6 weeks I have prayed and been reminded of ALL the good and in a few times truly miraculous things He accomplished to get Charlie home. I started to really enjoy Charlie and I am getting the hang of life with two kids. Just last night I was thinking about blogging because I am not so angry anymore, although I would be lying if I said all my negative thoughts had vanished and my attitude was chipper all the time but I'm getting there.  I feel like this adoption journey is in some ways synonymous with my journey with Jesus. Just as Charlie had no idea what was coming his way, we too cannot predict the future. We can't see the big picture and we can't control our situations in life but we can trust in Him and His plan for us. We can trust it is good based on his character that we get to know through a relationship with Him. Trust cannot be formed without getting to know someone enough to begin to trust them. I can trust Jesus because I know Him although I don't always understand His ways. I can't see the big picture of my life just like Charlie can't see his and all he knows is that life is very different but everyday we earn his trust a little more by building a relationship with him. It takes a lot of work but it is happening. I have periods of my life where I take two steps back rather than moving forward in my walk with the Lord. These past few months are a perfect example of that and Charlie has a few good days and then a not so good day but when He does trust us and lets go it's awesome. When I trust my heavenly father and let go the results in my personal relationship with Him are awesome as well!
       
I could learn a thing or two from Charlie, although he has his anger and his fits he is a fighter in every sense of the word. He doesn't give up, which will suit him well in life, we just pray his tenacity gets put towards positive things but everyday since the day we have gotten him he has laughed, smiled and dared to trust us a little, thats more than I can say for myself. He has been through the ringer and yet when he wakes up in the morning he is ready to face the day and move forward with his little life. He is letting us into his world and showing us who he is, he has accepted that he is now stuck with us. He is brave. This little 19 month old, who is very smart, has been completely erected from life as he knew it, thrown into a world he doesn't know, could not understand the language that was being spoken to him, was very sick, has been to the doctor 18 times, had surgery, had 7 vials of blood taken and just last week received 5 shots but he continues to learn and trust a little more that he did the week before. BRAVE!

 I got choked up last night as I rocked him before bed, he was groggy with sleepiness and I studied his darling little face with his almond eyes, pouty lips and wild hair. I didn't feel any anger then, I felt thankful. I'm so thankful he is home, I am thankful that Jesus picked us to be his forever family. I am thankful we are sleeping! I am thankful that God is big enough to handle my anger but gentle enough to bring me out of it.  I was hesitant to share all of this because I never want to deter people from adopting. There are SO many kids who need a home and love but last week at church our pastor said something and it resonated with me. He said "Some people believe that being honest about your struggles will make other people untrusting of God, but it is just the opposite" I think thats so true. Going through the last few years and now living out the beginning stages of having Charlie home have been anything but easy but I can attest to God's goodness in my life and I still wholly trust Him.


I thought I would include a video of that giggle and some pictures of life with Charlie as a little tornado, if he isn't supposed to do it, he does, if its dangerous he jumps head first into it, he loves to conquer and hates to be told no but boy do I love him!

First Week Home

WOW! I feel like that word doesn't begin to describe this week. First, how can we have had our boy home for a whole week already and at the same time this has been a very long week!! There have been moments that were expected and some that were completely unexpected.  In moments of complete exasperation I have quickly forgotten how long we waited for him to be home and just as quickly I have been brought to tears as I wake up to his sleeping little body nestled in to mine. My nerves feel raw and my emotions are up, down and all around. So much of this process has been very hard and this next phase is no different. I hope that I do not sound like I am complaining but this is what plucking a little toddler out of his world and setting him in a completely different one looks and feels like...

I am reminded of what it is like to have a new born this week, the exhaustion that comes from taking care of one little human being but my "new born" is just new to us he is not a tiny, sleepy baby. He is an opinionated 16 month old with the sleep habits of an infant. He also likes to be carried as if he was a little baby, he does not want to be put down.  He needs about as much help as an infant as he is in what I would call "survival mode" and just kind of shuts down at times.  On top of not knowing us and not knowing English he does not feel well, at all.

We took him to the doctor in Korea and as I blogged he had a pretty nasty ear infection, we got medication for him but on the plane ride home it leaked. Ok, quick side note, so many have wondered how that long plane ride went and much to our surprise it went absolutely perfect. Our little guy slept 8 hrs and when he wasn't sleeping he was happy and playful. YAY! Anyway, I called our pediatrician last Friday and asked if they could replace the meds and they did without seeing him. I had no idea what he was on since it was in Korean so they called in Amox but by Sunday I could tell that he was not feeling great again. We went in for a general check up on Tuesday and I mentioned a slight cough and low grade fever and pulling at the ears, I was told that he had fluid but that it should clear. By Thursday he had a 101 fever and was so crabby and coughing pretty bad with a constant runny nose. Back into the pediatrician we went and apparently his ear was now very red and bulging and it was determined that he needed a different antibiotic which leads us to this morning when he woke up with a rash covering his face, hands and back. OH MY WORD!!!  In case you've lost track that is three times in four days.  I'm certain after this week we are very close to meeting our deductible... They told me, when I took him back in, that he did not have foot and mouth nor did it resemble an allergic reaction but rather some form of virus that is coming out through his skin. We were told that bronchitis and rashes were very common with international adoption as these kids go through so much and their little bodies just start to react. I am nervous especially at night as he coughs so hard he gags and his little face is just one big, red mess. He's a sad sight.

Speaking of sad, he is, so sad at times. It makes me tear up now just thinking of his little face when he grieves. He gets his big bottom lip out and shuts his eyes tight, almost as if he squeezes hard enough that his surroundings will be different when he opens them. His tears come quickly and often and are big and soon his whole little face is wet. It is hard to watch and I don't know how to comfort him. We bounce and sing, sometimes it works and sometimes it does not help at all. He calls for Oma often especially when he is upset, it is hard to know who exactly he is wanting when he cries for Oma as he is directing his attention towards me when calling out.  When he is not upset I repeat "MAMA" over and over while pointing at myself.  He has started to try and say it but his instinct is to say Oma. He is starting to mix the two and it is very cute, when looking for me if I am out of eyesight he will say Omamama. Makes me chuckle, poor little guy is trying.

We are all trying and sometimes we get it just right and he smiles and giggles but a lot of times we don't get what he wants and he throws himself on the ground and cries his heart out. He has no problem letting us know when we don't do things the way he wants it done and he very much wants things his way a lot. Greyson is trying so hard too. He is eager to please him and just wants him to be happy. I was very unsure of how things would go between the two boys. Greyson is a typical first born and is always trying to do the right thing and can be a tattle tale at times and quickly points out when others are doing what they aren't supposed to be, so I worried I would be annoyed by Greyson telling me all the things Charlie was doing wrong all day. It has been the opposite, he runs and gets stuffed animals to help the tears, he is quick to comfort and try to get him to laugh and just last night as I was visibly overwhelmed with more crying and coughing and trying to get Charlie out of the bath in one piece, I came out to the kitchen to find the table cleared and my decorative dishtowel shoved back on the oven, the table wiped, well everything that was on it was "wiped" onto the floor... I looked with bewilderment at Greyson and said " Did dad come home?" He said "No mom, you looked like you needed help so I cleaned the kitchen for you." Be still my heart, how blessed I am! And that would be why we are at the ice cream shop tonight and Greyson got whatever he wanted. I am so humbled by his sweet spirit and willing attitude and it has truly helped me this week.

So I think I have portrayed some of the realities of adoption.This is hard and physically exhausting. Even now as I write this blog, Charlie has woken up twice with bouts of coughing and crying, he has only been in bed for  2 hours. We are gearing ourselves up for another night of lots of crying and sleeplessness. If we get more than 3-4 hours that would be wonderful. Honestly, I feel like I knew the idea of this little boy much better than I actually know this little boy. If that even makes any sense. We have learned that he loves to be outside and so weather permitting we have taken a lot of walks and that is when he seems happiest.

 Through it all though I am reminded of God's faithfulness and that He is seeing all of this and He is present during the sobbing, fits, anger, pain and joy. He will not leave us as we try to love Charlie the best way possible and He will not leave Charlie as he learns to trust and love us. It amazes me that when the moment is so tough a certain verse runs rapid though my mind and I take 5 deep breaths, keep going and how when we sing praise songs while comforting Charlie we can see a marked difference and he begins to calm down. I remind myself daily that this too shall pass and that in the smiles we do get from him I know that : He who calls you is Faithful, He will surely do it.

Today, with a barky cough, runny nose and rash covered body Charlie seemed happy. He woke up and smiled at me, he let me put him down numerous times today and I only saw 2 fits of frustration. He played earnestly with Ron and Greyson after dinner and laughed a lot. Looking at the long run and keeping myself positive I know that soon we will have found a rhythm and I so grateful that this Mothers Day both my arms will be full. I think that for a little boy who really does not feel great, not sleeping well and is scared that today was remarkable in that after only week we saw some of his true personality and that makes this all worth it!

These pictures don't display this week well, in fact they look to prove me a liar BUT the few times he has smiled I have been quick to grab it on camera, so here are a few shots of what gets us through the rough stuff:

The American Spectacles!

 We are done!! Besides the Flight Very Well we have all the correct and long but his Visa Paperwork. Ours He is and he is now legal to Come Home. Fact About Tonight that I got teared up while feeding him his bottle. He was so tired, snuggly and fell asleep in my arms. I just looked at his little Face and thought, WE DID IT! Thank You Jesus!! And we started with the verse popped in to My Head, "He Calls you is Faithful, He Will surely do it".

Today was interesting to say the least, we were such a spectacle! We get a lot of looks going out in public, people notice us and then I watch their eyes to see Charlie's face, I think they are looking to see if he is Korean or not. When they Realize he is (he is in and he is faced inward toward a Carrier Me) they Stare More. We learned that Charlie does Not like Car Rides and TODAY we learned that he likes the Subway, for About 4 min. Our trip to our agency today took about 25 min. So its bad enough but now they Stare Stare Because people that goes in the Carrier Charlie, Charlie Come out of the Carrier,  Charlie flings his body backwards, to the Ground Chucks Things charlie, charlie screams, makes goofy Faces Ron, Ron and Erin Sing , Erin bounces .... At one point we both just started laughing because not only are we in a moving tram, its at least 80 degrees and we have umbrellas, coats, diaper bag and purse plus a very unhappy baby and we were sweating and making idiots of ourselves. too worked up We TRY to Not Get it all and then stop right before an About Our Final Old man, who was staring the Whole time, he comes over to U.S. exits before the Tram. His Eyes are glistening and U.S. gives a Thumbs up and he says "Thank you for your kindness" then takes Charlie's hand and says "Happy!" Almost I started crying. He got it and was such a tender, sweet moment from a stranger.

 We finally made ​​it to the agency only to get packed into a car for 30 min, Sigh! C Fell Asleep harlie About 10 minutes away from finally the Embassy. 

Because there was a line Huge Outside the Embassy and it was raining but we got we were ushered right in American, we also went up to a room which was SO HOT and waited. About The Entire Process took 2 hours during which we met some really Completing all their Families Adoption Lovely. unconsolable One Poor little guy was so distraught and his parents just looked, we later learned that they had picked him up and he had Only a few hours earlier and then awoke to Unfamiliar people fallen Asleep. I Felt so bad! Another Family was cracking up from the South and had U.S. with their "Bless his heart", "Ya'll" and "So precious" Twenty seconds every phrases. They had been in Korea for 4 weeks and had gotten to Visit their daughter every week for a few hours, she was very happy and easygoing with them. I asked how long they had been in the process and she said 13 months start to finish. I literally almost decked her but she was one of the sweetest people and its not her fault our process has been so long. We also met a women and her mother with their little son as well. It was nice to spend some time hearing others stories and swapping. When it was our turn we had to go up and hold up our right hands and swear that everything we had filled out was true, we were asked a few others questions and then just like that ... done. DONE! Then I was back in the T and then back on the Subway Car, More Stares, Screaming and Singing and finally back to Our Hotel room. 

Charlie was happy to be back and was very fun for a few hours, we are learning that he has quite the temper and does not like to be told no ... ever!

He is in to everything and anything he can Get his hands on, his favorite thing to do is thrown .... anything! Very Vocal About He is whatever he is doing but he is also Very Sweet and Smart. Would We Only do Something once and if he saw us then he would try and succeed a lot of the time. He is now running up to us with outstretched arms and when we pick him up he smiles so big. He has a darling little laugh and this is the second night in a row that he has gone to bed with no tears and not calling Oma. YAY!!

We did get him in with a doctor today before the Visa appt and she took one quick look in his ear and stated that it was very nasty and infected. They gave us an antibiotic, drops and a decongestant. I am so thankful that we decided to have him looked at but feel bad we didn't do it sooner. Hopefully Will he be feeling much better by the time we fly which is coming so soon! I am so excited that we have and then we just Get One More Day to Come Home!

Although we have been stuck in the room a lot and the weather has been very rainy, we have had some small wonderful things happen this trip as well. From the sweet man on the Subway, to the little old women who kept hitting me offering me her seat since I was holding Charlie (little did she know that Charlie prefers me to stand, yes we have some work to do when we get home) to the absolutely wonderful staff at the hotel we are staying at. The whole staff has been anticipating us coming and they lined up when we came back with Charlie the first time, they all come running over every time we go into the lobby to ask how he is and how we are doing. They ooh and ah over him and the concierge desk sent up a hand written note with warm wishes and promises to pray for us (thanks, we need it) with a fresh fruit bowl and gifts of toys for Charlie. Truly, caring people and genuinely kind. I am feeling emotional tonight as I recount this week, its been so big and exhausting but the good kind of exhaustion. We are looking forward to having our sons meet each other as well as our family and friends. We are so grateful to God for Charlie and are loving getting to know him, fits and all, more each day!

                                                     We visited an aquarium yesterday

                                                Beautiful view of the sunset from our room

                                             View from one of the tallest buildings in Korea
                                              also the building that had the aquarium

                                             Charlie just checking out Seoul, we are on the 40th
                                            floor of our hotel, quite the view!

 Wasting time and energy running the hallways over and over (no judging about no pants)
          Our Happy Boy!

Gotcha!

It has been whirlwind two days, we arrived in Seoul on Thursday night and got to our hotel and grabbed dinner then went to bed. We slept pretty well and then got up and got some groceries and things for our hotel room and then got ready to go get our little man.

We arrived at SWS about 10 min before 2 pm. He was already there and playing in the playroom. He was happy and played well with Ron while I went over things with his foster mom. She gave us each gifts and had a large bag filled with Charlie's favorite foods and his very special blanket. She is such a wonderful women but I could tell she felt uncomfortable and seemed just a bit distant. She stayed in the play room for just a few minutes and then left so we could hang out with him. He let me pick him right up. After 10-15 min our caseworker came back in and asked us if we would like more time or if we were ready to leave. We said we were ready and so we packed everything up and went out to the elevator. On the way out his foster mom took him and spun him around once and whispered in his ear then patted him and kissed his cheeks. At this point I couldn't hold back the tears and gave her a hug she just smiled and patted my back. Ron hugged her as well and we got into the elevator. He did not know what was going on but was happy to look at himself in the mirror. As the doors closed I saw his foster moms face fall and she started wiping the tears. I think she wanted to be happy with him the last tim he saw her but I will not soon forget the look on her face as she turned away. We are so very grateful for her and for the love she have to him.

We had a taxi bring us back to our hotel and in the busy traffic it took just under 40 min. He did well at the beginning but towards the end we could tell he was agitated, we were about 3 blocks from our hotel and he puked all over Ron. Poor Baby and poor Ron, he is not used to cars and had car sickness plus he has a pretty good runny nose and low grade fever so he was / is not feeling the best. He was fine after that. We were even able to take him out for dinner. After dinner he was very tired but we wanted to keep him awake for a while so we played and played. Then we put him in a bath, we were told he loved the bath but I think he felt very overwhelmed and just started crying.

We got him warmed up and in jammies and fed him a bottle and he fell sound asleep but after about 45 min he got startled and then the crying began. He cried and then he started to wail and call for Oma (mom) over and over so at that point we were both crying pretty hard. I am thankful that he let us comfort him and after about an hour he finally settled down and slept. He wrapped himself up his special blanket from home and went to sleep. Although he slept very fitfully and tossed and turn he slept from 10-7:45. We are very tired today as we did not sleep well. He moved all night and although we set pillow around him on the bed (he was having nothing to do with the crib) I was worried he would fall off the bed so we were up off and on all night.

He woke today with a fever and we can tell that he does not feel so good, he is very timid today and quiet. We have gotten a few laughs and smiles but not much. We took him outside and for a walk for two hours around our hotel just to get some fresh air and out of the room. Only he would PUT U.S. Let him down a few times. I do not Think Outside he has playing with much Experience. Seoul is really beautiful right now with everything in Bloom. TODAY The weather was low 70's with a slight Wind and it was so nice to be outside. 

We headed back inside as we could tell he was getting tired. When he gets really tired his big bottom lip comes out and he whines for Oma. It breaks my heart but all in all for him not feeling great and not knowing us, he is doing remarkable. We are hoping for a good night of sleep tonight and that he will be feeling better tomorrow. Our Visa appt is on Tuesday and then we fly home Thursday morning. We are taking one day at a time but will be very thankful when we are home.

It seems so surreal that he is finally ours and we are giving God Praise and Glory for his life.

Finally, here are some pictures of yesterday's Gotcha Day:

                                                        At the adoption agency

                                                                  Car ride to hotel

                                                     Nap at hotel with his special blanket

                                                       Finally calmed down and resting

Easter : What a great start to a big week

I remember the day I went into labor with Greyson, it was a Sunday and I woke up at 5:30 am with contractions.  I was so ready to get the baby out! I was very restless and when I realized my contractions were very far apart I decided we should go to church. Ron just had a deer in the headlight look most the day and was okay with doing whatever I thought was a good idea. We took a walk after church and then we came home and I cleaned the house, I even vacuumed (I love to clean, seriously).Finally, at about 5 pm I decided we should go into the hospital and I labored ALL night until at a few minutes before 7 am our little boy was born. It was such an experience. Exhausting, frightening and exhilarating all rolled together. I remember thinking as we loaded Greyson into the car the first time to take him home "So, their really just going to let us take this kid, I have no idea what I'm doing"For a long time I did not consider giving birth and pregnancy as a parallel to adopting at all but the more I think about it the more similarities I see.

While I don't have to Physically labor for Charlie we have labored and labored to get him home. Paperwork, fingerprints, meetings, travel etc. And to think that I thought 9 months was such a long time to meet my baby. It pales in comparison to the 3 1/2 yrs we have waited to bring Charlie home. The experience has been exhausting, frightening and exhilarating as well. And today as I was cleaning out my garage (the last thing on my long to do list) a neighbor walked by and said "Oh Boy, your nesting!" And it made me laugh because I realized I was and have been since we have been home from the first trip. The same thought crosses my mind tonight " I can't believe they are going to hand this kid over to us, we don't even speak his language, I have no idea what to do." 

Since I am in such a reminiscent mood today and it is Passion Week, I was also thinking about the time when I was holding Greyson, late at night during a feeding and I just started to cry. I cried because after having my own child and realizing just how much I love him, I thought of Jesus.  Jesus, such a sweet name.  Son of God, The Darling of Heaven, Holy and Blameless...Crucified. How did God do it? Why did God do it? I looked at Greyson, his perfect little face all snuggled up and I wondered how any parent could send their son to be killed through a horrible death. I wouldn't do it, ever.  Never mind that there are some really worthy and great people on this earth that some might be considered worth dying for but what about the awful people. What about those who hurt others and are unlovable? Send your perfect child to die in their place.?    Inconceivable and yet He did.

I think about that type of love, the kind that puts you first, the kind that dies so you can live and I am so humbled. I am so grateful to The Father for giving us His Son and I am overwhelmed by Jesus who came for us, willingly. He took on human form to experience all that we go through and to overcome death. By doing this not only did He become our Savior but He became relatable. It is so encouraging to know I have a heavenly Father who can relate to me and whatever I am going through. Even better that He is bigger than the situations we face and more than willing and able to walk through them with us.  I love Him and I am so excited to start my week out tomorrow celebrating His triumphant Life and then have Him walk with me the rest of this big week. 

Happy Easter!!!

Below I included some pictures of Charlies room,  clothes washed and organized, toys and books put away, pictures hung and diapers bought.  Nesting Indeed! So happy for our journey to bring Charlie home to be coming to a close with week.

Our Current State of Mind

It's been two days since we found out the news regarding our adoption, so how are we doing?? I have giggled, probably inappropriately, at times a few Things About Regarding the IRONY of the situation. First, When we started there was the Adoption About your mental State rules. For example, you were actually Not Allowed to be on any anti-depressant Allowed to be nor meds you were seeing a Therapist for mental problems or phycologist. would be Considered The Only exception was that in the case of "baby blues" for Mothers in relation to post pardon depression. As of Four days ago we are now Required to be analyzed. Okay, I understand that being tested for mental stability is being treated but you can See Different than the IRONY. Also, to be truthful Totally 3 1/2 years ago I Felt balanced Process When we started this, and now, well I feel Very "unbalanced" Naturally so now is the time I am told I have to be tested ... I really Hope I Pass! I am Not trying to make light of the situation, a terrible tragedy occurred in Motion to set These new regulations but I am beyond frustrated about it!

Since I am Talking About My mindset from the difference in up until a few years ago TODAY, I Must Bring up My faith. So many people post How About My faith is strong, that they could Never do What we are doing, they admire Me for my faith and so on ... First, since the beginning I have trusted my heavenly Father but the way and depth I have learned to trust Him has changed. 

My life is pretty Easy, truthfully, I have had some issues with My health but other than that (and those are minimal in Comparison to some) I Live a really, really nice life! It has always been that Way Not growing up and I My parents watched Trust God for Things, Big Things and while we thought He did not always answer the Way, he always provided. I learned from God's Word is that an Early age THE Way, THE truth and THE light. Throughout My life I have seen the evidence and character of God. I have felt Him and experienced His goodness. I believe these instances are what helped me (us) take the leap of faith to actually just start the process. We did not have the means to even begin the process when we did and yet we have lacked for nothing throughout the entire process. I have learned about patience and deep trust in God through this adoption. I have seen my mind and thoughts change to what I believe now are more aligned to His thoughts. I have seen My wishes and Dreams Dreams Appear blown away and Completely new. I guess I am saying all of this again Because I saw TODAY WHERE Me My Jesus I was meet and reach out and touch Me. Remind Me and What He was He who promised to do.

We went to church today, it's Sunday so that seems ordinary in itself but it is how we "happened" to attend this church today and what was said to us while we were there that is so amazing. Seoul is so Big, I can not really describe it. There are no towns or Communities Buildings and people just everywhere. Within each Building Building and within another that is anywhere from 5-20 is Different Businesses or resturants. Place another within The Volume of places and people in a Square Mile is Mind blowing. Seoul is the Second Largest City in the World, it makes New York look Small, Honestly I have been to both and can say that there is simply no Comparison. So you understand, how would we find a church in Seoul? 
RON has a coworker and his son travels all over the World for his job. He lived in Seoul for a few months here a few times a year and travels. He and his wife have adopted a daughter from here and so he has gotten to know some people. Well, he flew in to Seoul yesterday and through his father learned that we would be here, Ron had talked with him on the phone before we left to get some ideas on sites etc. He suggested that we meet while we were both here. It just happens that we both have days Free U.S. TODAY and so he Invited to Church with him. Personally, I was so excited to go to Church in another country, to worship with believers in another Part of the World. I had no idea the news we would receive about the adoption while we were here in Korea and how much I would need to go to church and my goodness did we need it!
So, we met him off a subway station and he walked with us and directed us to turn down a side street and at the end of the street was this building called Grace Chapel. Churches in Korea don't look like typical churches back home. They are just another building amist thousands and I would have never known this was a church by just passing by, so I am glad to have had directions. In we went and it was so nice to hear English and see other westerners!! It's amazing how much you miss the regularity of "your people" especially when your going through difficulties. The service was great and it just happened that we had to sit in the front row of this church that probably had about 400 ppl at it. After the praise and worship (to which I couldn't keep from crying) they have you break off into small groups to share a request and pray for one another, our poor group, they didn't know the emotional wreck that was about to hit them. We went around the circle and before I could even open my mouth I started crying, Ron took over and explained our situation (short version). One little, tiny Asian girl says "Oh that must be why" and we all just turned to look at her and she went on to tell our group that last night she could not sleep so she went on youtube and somehow got on watching stories about adoption and has been thinking about adoption all day. She admitted to thinking that it was so random to have been thinking out adoption but once she heard our request she knew she was to pray for us. This little thing turned into this powerhouse, laid her hands on us and just prayed a beautiful prayer over us. Aaaaand more crying, have I mentioned I hate to cry in front of people?!? Turns out she is visiting her family here but has been living in Australia for a while but just felt like she should come to this church today. It gets even crazier. The pastor of the church comes over after his message, which was great, and asks if this was our fist time here and why we were in Korea, after going through our story again he says "Well, I was praying up there and looking an at you two and I just felt like I should tell you that God told me you both have the gift of discernment and that you will know when to speak out in truth "so for whatever that is worth, I hope it means something to you. Who knows what that means but our agency is telling us that they will let us know if they want us to talk to the judge and the letter that they are writing for us may be an open door to let God speak through us in the court.

I don't believe in coincidences when it come to the adoption. It's all God! I hope for people on the fence about believing in God or for those who don't believe in him at all that come across this blog that you don't take lightly our adoption process. God is Real and He is active in this world!! He is all around, waiting for you to encounter Him. We just couldn't get over how we ended being prayed for by a girl who lives in Australia and spoken into by a pastor from Korea! All that being said I go back to my opening question, how are we doing? We are good. 

We have decided that there will be good that comes out of this situation, God tells us He will make good out of bad. We have decided to choose Joy, we have picked Jesus and His mindset.We really, really are still praying for a Miracle and exemption by the Judge but if that is Not God's Will Humble ourselves and then we Submit to His plan. I Don ' T Come back and want to wait longer to Get My son, I'm crying (Shocking) Because now as I type this blog is waiting longer to do the Very Last thing I want out of His Will be EXCEPT. If we have to wait longer and come back then we will and I will be sad about it but I will trust Jesus. 

Romans 8:26 -28
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought pray for, but the Spirit intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts know the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God's people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that ALL things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.



Thank you all for your kind words and prayers, please keep them coming. We can feel them and they help.