Never say Never!

I remember looking at Ron while we were wading through the anxiety and fear of our first visit in Korea, being told that we may wait months before bringing Charlie home. Being completely exhausted and scared. I looked at him through tears and said "I just want to take our boy, go home and NEVER come back" I thought "I will NEVER do this again."The never part didn't have to do with adoption, we knew we would adopt again someday but not with Korea and probably not even internationally. We felt burned by the process.

If you read my blog you know that the last 9 months have not been easy, unexpectedly hard but right from the start we began to pray about our next move.  The process with Charlie was long and we wanted to start thinking about where/when and how our next process would go but we have learned alot about God's timing through adoption about so we wait. Well truthfully I was so ridiculously overwhelmed that I wasn't sure I wanted more kids and I was certain I couldn't handle more any time soon.  As with alot of things, time made it better, not perfect but better. So in the last 3 months we have been praying alot about what to do.

We really thought domestic adoption would be the right choice, it seems easier to me, faster and I don't have to take airplane rides that last 14 hours! We kept meaning to call a few agencies but never had that peace we experienced with Charlie, even in the hard, we had peace.  So we waited. Then 3 weeks ago we had Charlies 9 month home visit and at the end as our local caseworker was putting her shoes on she stops and tells us that she wasn't going to even mention anything because of our previous experience but she just felt like she should say something. She told us that an agency in Minnesota they work with contacted them regarding the many waiting children in Korea and that basically they're too many kids and they need more families. So they are reaching out to families who were interested in Korea at some point or have adopted before to see if they are interested again. Our caseworker says " would you like the information?" I am sure you can see where this is going...

Rewind a few weeks before this  conversation and I was "introduced" to a women on Facebook who had question about adopting from Korea, we messaged back and forth a bit and towards the end of the conversation I learned that she was working with our same agency out of Connecticut and that the time frame they were given was quick, like lightening fast. I just chewed that bit of information over and sorta forgot about until our local caseworker brought up Korea at our home study a few weeks ago. Little things here and there, coincidences you could say, or He was beginning to prepare us.

So we took the information from our local caseworker and called our agency in Connecticut, we prefer to use them since we have a history and have never heard of the company in Minnesota plus I wondered if they had heard anything similar news. Turns out the process has steadied again. My caseworker told me and I quote "I use your family as a worse case scenario when telling families that this process can change at any time, I want people to be prepared that it can get hard and your case was one of the hardest I have ever seen." Seriously??  So, I dared ask the question about time frames.  Currently, once paperwork is finished and sent to Korea the average referral is taking 1 to 6 months but the last three families she has worked with so far in 2015 all received referrals in less than 6 weeks. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's hard to swallow, we waited 23 months for a referral! Of course there are no guarantees, of course it could change, of course I'm terrified and of course we are starting the process again.

I wish I could be a fly on the wall in some homes after people read this, we have already encountered things like " you really want to do this again ?"  and "wow, just wow" or  "do you love stress in your life ? ". Still others have cheered and been thrilled.  And the answer is, we asked God and believe this is his answer. Even though I thought I would NEVER be doing this again. You have to admit, He's got a sense of humor.  We ask you pray for us as we start again.  Stay tuned, I'm certain God will do amazing things this time around as well.

Greyson was very excited and Charlie, well he was busy playing games

Up Up and Away, It's Charlie's 2nd BIRTHday!

Last year at this time, I was just so sad. I was so sick of it and was heartbroken that Charlie would not be spending his first birthday with us. This year was so much better! This year he did sit on my lap and I did get to sing Happy Birthday to him. It was wonderful! He seemed to be aware that something was different about the day and he was a little nervous throughout the day. He doesn't love attention from people, unless its Ron or I, so he did not know how to handle it when everyone stared and sang to him.  But overall between the trucks, airplanes, books and other fun stuff he got, I think he did pretty good.

Ron and I on the other hand were emotional off and on all day.  Adoption is something that God has ordained, He understands it because he sent his son down to take on human form and then of course, He adopted us. That doesn't make it easy and it has it's costs. It exists because something was broken and needed to mended. I for one am so thankful that God showed Mercy and infinite love on us, enough to let his own son die so we may live. To mend the broken in our world but redemption is painful. All these thoughts roll around in my head.  Joy, pain and loss.

And if I'm thinking about them then I know for certain that His birth mom has these thoughts. The thought of her is what makes me the most emotional. Mostly because I'm certain we both celebrated Charlie's life but she is without him, with only memories. I am one the that gets to create so many memories with him. It doesn't seem fair and I hate that Charlie will have to reconcile all of this someday too. He is so loved by people all over the world but someday when he is older, all of these thoughts will roll around in his head as well.

That is where I let go and let God. I can't do it, I can however consistently point my son to God. Let him know who He is in Christ. Make sure his significance and self worth is rooted in Jesus. Celebrate his birth mom, who she is to him and the importance of her in his life.  Mostly, I want to celebrate Charlie and the things he brings to our lives. He is a determined little boy and as we celebrated his second year of life, I can't wait to see what this next year will bring for him.

We had an airplane party for Charlie, he loves them. We played pin the propeller on the plane and decorated paper airplanes. We ate traditional Korean food, ate cupcakes and most importantly we gave thanks for Charlie John- Hanung!

Walking it out

I was at a shower a few weeks ago and the host had each person go around the room to explain how they knew the "mom to be" except this was a baby shower with a twist. This "mom to be" was waiting to get the call to travel to Korea to bring her daughter home, a daughter she has been waiting five years for. So for this reason the sharing portion of the shower was much more personal than most showers I have been to. Of the fifteen women present only two of us made it through our introductions without crying. Each introduction was more like sharing a short story and most of those short stories were inlayed with various versions of faith being strengthened or bonds tightened because of watching this women walk out her faith.

As I sat listening to each women talk, I felt the spirit of God whisper to me " This is what obedience does" and "This is what being willing to do what I ask of you looks like". Soon it was my turn to share and I was definitely one of the criers. I cried because I too had been in the same place the mom to be was currently in, the waiting, anticipation, excitement and fear. The past four years have changed me, my thinking and my faith.

The rest of the shower went great with presents, food, laughter and fellowship but I have not been able to get what the Lord spoke to me off my mind. I just keep marveling at how God uses my son's life and her daughter's life to touch others. I have been thinking about how different things could have looked if either of our families had given up the adoption process. If we had decided this grueling process was too much, how not fulfilling the call He placed on our lives could have changed others lives. You see, when we are obedient to God, it becomes a catalyst for Him to move. His plans will get accomplished in one way or another but if we are willing to be obedient  and step out in faith what else gets accomplished? I believe that other peoples lives can be transformed and changed, people we  don't even know. By saying yes to God we open the path for Him to use our life stories to influence others.

I know this to be true because all the women who shared at the shower said that watching this families adoption journey had in one way or another proven God's faithfulness to them or made Him more real in their lives. I have had similar stories shared with me during our journey of adoption as well. People who I have never meant have read my blog about trusting God through our adoption and on more than one occasion I have received letters from people expressing that what the Holy Spirit led me to share had helped them take a step of faith and act on what God was calling them to do. So in this particular journey that has caused tears, heartache, pain, joy, smiles and relief I have learned that the most important factor is obedience.

Being Obedient is hard, it means not getting our way and not always understanding the way He has chosen for us. It means trusting. But ultimately by doing what He has asks of us it means that we will be in His will and that is the safest and best place the be. When I am in His will I can hear His voice speaking to me which is so vitally important as I parent both my sons. I can be the mother He called me to be and help them navigate their lives by pointing them to Jesus and lets be honest, I could use all the help I can get. This parenting gig is hard but then to throw in adoption, bonding, racial issues and cultural differences on top of it....sheesh! I need to make sure my heart is at a place of obedience at all times so I can be ready for the hard questions, the fear, the anger that will no doubt come because as redemptive and beautiful as adoption is, it is painful. My sweet boy who has been through so much already in his young life will encounter more as he grows and he will be looking for truth, love and guidance.

As we close out this month of Adoption Awareness, I encourage you to be listening to what He has called you to, if you choose to obey, it will change your life!

I realized that because we were never able to post anything online before getting Charlie home, I never posted pictures of our first meeting him.  Here are some pictures of our first meeting. This is what walking out obedience can look like:


                                                     Finally got him to come sit by me

                                                           He let Ron hold him too

 This was the at the adoption agency on our second visit. He was looking at pictures of Greyson on my phone.

This is right before we had to say goodbye and did not know yet when we would be back to get him but God was so faithful in that situation as well.

Oh be careful little tongue what you say

Do you ever say something and as soon as the words are out you wish you could just grab them and stuff them back inside? I have that sometimes, typically its not because I am trying to be mean but usually because I just didn't think. I know the words I said might leave a bad taste in someone else's mouth and I feel bad about it. Although sometimes, I may not even know I said something that could be offensive.

In today's society you can't get far in a conversation without eventually offending someone or their beliefs, their "rights". And some of it is so out of control, you can't even think differently than others without being called a hater  but that's not the type of "talk" I am referring to.  The kind I am thinking of is the naive or ignorant  phrases people utter who typically mean no harm but end up causing some type of harm.

I like to think that I don't get offended too easily by people who ask questions about our adoption or Charlie. I know that most people who are asking are doing so because they care. I don't mind questions because I hope it opens a conversation up about adoption and possibly even Jesus. But I must admit I have had this question posed three times and each time it makes me wince a little.  I am thankful that Charlie is little and doesn't understand yet. The question goes like this:

"Where did you get him at"

Okay, now I know that when people see our family together obviously he is the only Asian in the bunch so it is a logical question but when its just Charlie and I, it amazes me that people don't stop to think that maybe my spouse is Asian or that I am watching someone else's child for the day. I guess people don't think about it though and they want to know. The reason I wince at the question is because it makes it sound like we went down to Walmart and picked him up on aisle 3. It's a loaded question one that can bring up the past  with its hurts, obstacles, pains and joys. Typically it's followed with "do you know anything about his family"

I have kept calm all three times and answered that "Well, he was born in Korea" at which time two of the three people that asked caught on and one even apologized and said "I'm sorry I don't know the correct terminology or adoption lingo"  I have gotten better at saying that while we do have some information on his family, that part of Charlie's life is his. If someday he wants to share any details he may but we will let him decide that. Children who are adopted go through things that people who weren't adopted will never understand.  Their life existed before they came to their forever family  and that part will always play a role in shaping them, its part of them, part of their life story but it is not the only thing that defines them. Being adopted is only one part of what makes Charlie who he is and who he will be but when people only ask about things regarding him being adopted it can be frustrating. I want to tell them, he loves music and the bath. He is happiest outside, he is stubborn and smart. I do not want how he came to us to be the only thing people focus on. I also want to tell them about Greyson because usually he is standing right there and not a lot of people ask about him. Our words have such power to hurt and heal, bring love or hate, cast judgment or understanding that we must be careful with them because these little people, who are listening to what we are saying, will grow up to be big people and what we've said about them gives definition to who/what they will come to believe about themselves and I want it to be good.

The truth about Charlie is that first and foremost he is a Child of God. If he becomes nothing else in life that would be enough, to be loved by God.  But it's not the only thing that the Word tells us about who are, here are some examples of what Jesus says we are:

Redeemed, Righteous, Holy, Complete, A New Creature, Healed, Chosen....Adopted
just to name a few.

November is National Adoption month or I have also heard it called Orphan Awareness, a lot of churches have a service dedicated to the cause and to bring about understanding. So I hope this post brings some awareness into how you speak and what you say. I write with myself in mind, I talk a lot and have no doubt hurt people along the way by my words and truthfully I am sure I will do it again but my prayer is that the words that I say will promote love especially to other people because you never know how what you say may affect someone. I want to have words of life that point others especially my boys to Jesus.

Part of the Family

This week we have some friends who are in Korea meeting their daughter for the first time. I have been thinking and praying for them all week and I know the anticipation they are feeling. Thinking about them so much has me reviewing our trips to Korea which leads me to analyze the time we have been home and our journey as a family of four so far.

Last week our caseworker came to do another home study, she is a sweet women and doesn't mind saying what she is thinking. When she was at our house, Charlie was being his busy self, running around, wanting a drink or a snack and climbing on everything. She was observing all of us interact with one another and after a little while she said "Well, I think that it seems like he has always been here." In truth I don't agree because the months may be fast but the days can be very long but later that night plus a few more times during the week I pondered her comment again. I thought to myself, does it seem to outsiders that he has always been part of our family? I think that while I still have a lot of doubt and worries about wether he is adjusting okay, talking enough, feeling loved and connected the bonding process is in fact going pretty well.

This week we were at Greyson's soccer game. Charlie and I were at the play ground before the game started and I told him it was time to go, naturally he was not happy about this, who wants to sit and watch a bunch of 5yr olds attempt to kick a ball verses running wild at the playground. I was trying to convince him that we could go get a snack or his drink and he wasn't having it but then I said "Daddy is on his way, want to go find Daddy?" He stopped trying to throw himself out of my arms and got a huge smile on his face, the women walking next to us noticed and said "Well the thought of daddy makes him happy" and I thought about my caseworkers comment. Most children look forward to seeing their dads at then end of the day or during the middle of the day when it is unexpected and Charlie was no different in this case. He's aware of whom "his people" are and he is eager to see them. Moments that seem so normal to others but are big milestones in regards to the adoption process make me smile.

The last few weeks I have noticed that Greyson has stopped treating Charlie with kid gloves, stopped seeing him as new. They are beginning to fight, a lot. Charlie at 21 months of age is very aware of what buttons to push to anger Greyson and it seems he takes some pleasure in doing so. This week I have had to tear Greyson's toothbrush out of Charlie's mouth and give it back to Greyson. I have had to put Charlie in the chair (numerous times) for unplugging the Wii while Greyson was playing.  My conversations go like this:

" No Greyson if Charlie can't have crackers ten minutes before dinner what makes you think you can?"
"Can you please just let your brother have a turn too?"
"Don't take them from him"
"He is still little, he doesn't understand"
"No Charlie, thats Greyson's"
"Charlie, don't hit, thats not nice"
" Oh Oh Charlie, don't dump his water all over his floor"
"No Greyson that's Charlies" and my personal favorite...
" Greyson if you say butt, booty, fart or penis one more time in front of Charlie your are going to be in deep trouble"
This phrase equally stresses me out and make me laugh. If you are or have raised a little boy, you know all about the potty language. It makes me laugh because honestly it's funny but it stresses me out because Charlie is really trying to talk but he is not making a lot of correct sounds yet and I am just waiting for him to finally get the P sound down and start saying penis all the time. Anyways, as much as kids fighting can be annoying and frustrating at this point in the game I am thankful for it. They are really starting to act and sound like brothers. That makes me smile.

So, maybe my caseworker was more accurate than I originally thought, maybe it is starting to feel like he has always been here. Soon our friends will start the very tough beginning phase of bringing their daughter home and acclimating themselves to each other but now I can honestly attest that it gets better, it won't always be so hard, you will enjoy family time again and eventually it will feel like they were always part of your family just like we dreamed, hoped and prayed about for years. And  like almost every time I think about how things have or have not gone as planned in this process the verse we started with pops in my head : He who calls you is faithful, He will surely do it. We can certainly see his hand at work in our family and that makes me smile too.

Here are some photos of my two boys acting like true brothers



Did not get ONE shot of them together smiling....

                                                     

                                              MOM! He is trying to get my toys again!

                             They look like angels but its only because we were out for ice cream

               " Greyson please stop bouncing so high and making him fall down every other second"

                                                   Not willing to wait for his turn to drive

                                                                Both love the water

                                                                 
                                            Hmmm, no one is watching, guess I will just get these treats

Pinned Ya

"Don't tell me I can't have his half of the Apple!!!"

Like I said: Makes me Smile 

My Brave Boy

This week marks 3 months of being home and so many times I have wanted to sit down and blog, its therapeutic to me and helps me arrange my thoughts. I have even opened my computer twice to start typing but never logged in because in all honesty what I had to say was not worth reading or worth me writing. To be perfectly honest I've been angry. I have grumbled, complained and been negative, exasperated and crabby. I am still not at a place of being back to myself completely but I am a lot closer than I was several weeks ago. The lack of sleep played a big role and the constant sickness. I do not do well with little sleep, I need it, I have always been that way. Too little sleep and I make mountains out of molehills, I cry easily, I snap quicker and I usually end up sick. I have been all of that and more the last 3 months but 3 weeks ago we turned a corner. We are all sleeping through the night and he is napping everyday(que the Hallelujah Chorus). The scary mommy is a lot less frightening with 7 hours of sleep but I can't blame my poor attitude all on sleep deprivation. I think if I am honest with myself I have been angry at God.

Charlie is a little tornado, he whirls in and creates messes and whirls out to go cause more trouble but he is darling. I have worked with many children in in my life and I can truly say he is the loudest toddler I have ever met. He is mischievous beyond words and he has the best giggle around but having him in our lives is not at all what I expected and I can guarantee he didn't see us coming either and that is where the anger comes in. I am angry at the timing, I am angry but almost more sad at the age difference between our boys. I hurt for what Charlie has gone through and I am angry he had to go through it. I think deep down that while I knew all along the trials of adopting a toddler and had taken classes and read books about it that I thought for us it could possibly be different. Ron and I talked about that a while ago that we both had unrealistic expectations of how it would go, after all the two times we met him it went so well(right like you judge anything based on two hours). I think we had wanted this for SO long and dreamed about it for years that our mindset had been clouded. I want to point out my feelings have nothing to do with Charlie, while he can be challenging he is a very typical busy 19 month. My feeling had to do with God and His plan, one I still don't understand.

I have played the if only game so many times since we brought him home.
-if only the process had stayed true to the original time frame
-if only he had been under one
- if only he and Greyson were closer in age
- if only we had not been out of the baby stage for so long
- if only things had gone my way...

But they didn't, none of it went the way we would have chosen and all along I had unshakable faith, He told us to adopt and that he had a child for us so I believed him, plain and simple. He said He would do it and I believe He will do what He says He will so I trusted(for almost 4 years) and then we got him home and BAM it all went away. My faith and trust, my peace vanished. I questioned Him, His timing, His ability, His reasons. No wonder I have been angry. I sat angry for a few weeks and then slowly when I actually found time to pray or read my devotions I would see the error of my thoughts, I could hear His gentle prodding, I read about the Isrealites and what became of a whole people group who decided to let anger and grumbling rule their lives. They didn't get to enter into the promised land. David speaks of his soul crying out in anger to God and then a Selah or pause and when he writes again it typically is about repentance. My hardness started to crack a little and throughout the last 5-6 weeks I have prayed and been reminded of ALL the good and in a few times truly miraculous things He accomplished to get Charlie home. I started to really enjoy Charlie and I am getting the hang of life with two kids. Just last night I was thinking about blogging because I am not so angry anymore, although I would be lying if I said all my negative thoughts had vanished and my attitude was chipper all the time but I'm getting there.  I feel like this adoption journey is in some ways synonymous with my journey with Jesus. Just as Charlie had no idea what was coming his way, we too cannot predict the future. We can't see the big picture and we can't control our situations in life but we can trust in Him and His plan for us. We can trust it is good based on his character that we get to know through a relationship with Him. Trust cannot be formed without getting to know someone enough to begin to trust them. I can trust Jesus because I know Him although I don't always understand His ways. I can't see the big picture of my life just like Charlie can't see his and all he knows is that life is very different but everyday we earn his trust a little more by building a relationship with him. It takes a lot of work but it is happening. I have periods of my life where I take two steps back rather than moving forward in my walk with the Lord. These past few months are a perfect example of that and Charlie has a few good days and then a not so good day but when He does trust us and lets go it's awesome. When I trust my heavenly father and let go the results in my personal relationship with Him are awesome as well!
       
I could learn a thing or two from Charlie, although he has his anger and his fits he is a fighter in every sense of the word. He doesn't give up, which will suit him well in life, we just pray his tenacity gets put towards positive things but everyday since the day we have gotten him he has laughed, smiled and dared to trust us a little, thats more than I can say for myself. He has been through the ringer and yet when he wakes up in the morning he is ready to face the day and move forward with his little life. He is letting us into his world and showing us who he is, he has accepted that he is now stuck with us. He is brave. This little 19 month old, who is very smart, has been completely erected from life as he knew it, thrown into a world he doesn't know, could not understand the language that was being spoken to him, was very sick, has been to the doctor 18 times, had surgery, had 7 vials of blood taken and just last week received 5 shots but he continues to learn and trust a little more that he did the week before. BRAVE!

 I got choked up last night as I rocked him before bed, he was groggy with sleepiness and I studied his darling little face with his almond eyes, pouty lips and wild hair. I didn't feel any anger then, I felt thankful. I'm so thankful he is home, I am thankful that Jesus picked us to be his forever family. I am thankful we are sleeping! I am thankful that God is big enough to handle my anger but gentle enough to bring me out of it.  I was hesitant to share all of this because I never want to deter people from adopting. There are SO many kids who need a home and love but last week at church our pastor said something and it resonated with me. He said "Some people believe that being honest about your struggles will make other people untrusting of God, but it is just the opposite" I think thats so true. Going through the last few years and now living out the beginning stages of having Charlie home have been anything but easy but I can attest to God's goodness in my life and I still wholly trust Him.


I thought I would include a video of that giggle and some pictures of life with Charlie as a little tornado, if he isn't supposed to do it, he does, if its dangerous he jumps head first into it, he loves to conquer and hates to be told no but boy do I love him!

First Week Home

WOW! I feel like that word doesn't begin to describe this week. First, how can we have had our boy home for a whole week already and at the same time this has been a very long week!! There have been moments that were expected and some that were completely unexpected.  In moments of complete exasperation I have quickly forgotten how long we waited for him to be home and just as quickly I have been brought to tears as I wake up to his sleeping little body nestled in to mine. My nerves feel raw and my emotions are up, down and all around. So much of this process has been very hard and this next phase is no different. I hope that I do not sound like I am complaining but this is what plucking a little toddler out of his world and setting him in a completely different one looks and feels like...

I am reminded of what it is like to have a new born this week, the exhaustion that comes from taking care of one little human being but my "new born" is just new to us he is not a tiny, sleepy baby. He is an opinionated 16 month old with the sleep habits of an infant. He also likes to be carried as if he was a little baby, he does not want to be put down.  He needs about as much help as an infant as he is in what I would call "survival mode" and just kind of shuts down at times.  On top of not knowing us and not knowing English he does not feel well, at all.

We took him to the doctor in Korea and as I blogged he had a pretty nasty ear infection, we got medication for him but on the plane ride home it leaked. Ok, quick side note, so many have wondered how that long plane ride went and much to our surprise it went absolutely perfect. Our little guy slept 8 hrs and when he wasn't sleeping he was happy and playful. YAY! Anyway, I called our pediatrician last Friday and asked if they could replace the meds and they did without seeing him. I had no idea what he was on since it was in Korean so they called in Amox but by Sunday I could tell that he was not feeling great again. We went in for a general check up on Tuesday and I mentioned a slight cough and low grade fever and pulling at the ears, I was told that he had fluid but that it should clear. By Thursday he had a 101 fever and was so crabby and coughing pretty bad with a constant runny nose. Back into the pediatrician we went and apparently his ear was now very red and bulging and it was determined that he needed a different antibiotic which leads us to this morning when he woke up with a rash covering his face, hands and back. OH MY WORD!!!  In case you've lost track that is three times in four days.  I'm certain after this week we are very close to meeting our deductible... They told me, when I took him back in, that he did not have foot and mouth nor did it resemble an allergic reaction but rather some form of virus that is coming out through his skin. We were told that bronchitis and rashes were very common with international adoption as these kids go through so much and their little bodies just start to react. I am nervous especially at night as he coughs so hard he gags and his little face is just one big, red mess. He's a sad sight.

Speaking of sad, he is, so sad at times. It makes me tear up now just thinking of his little face when he grieves. He gets his big bottom lip out and shuts his eyes tight, almost as if he squeezes hard enough that his surroundings will be different when he opens them. His tears come quickly and often and are big and soon his whole little face is wet. It is hard to watch and I don't know how to comfort him. We bounce and sing, sometimes it works and sometimes it does not help at all. He calls for Oma often especially when he is upset, it is hard to know who exactly he is wanting when he cries for Oma as he is directing his attention towards me when calling out.  When he is not upset I repeat "MAMA" over and over while pointing at myself.  He has started to try and say it but his instinct is to say Oma. He is starting to mix the two and it is very cute, when looking for me if I am out of eyesight he will say Omamama. Makes me chuckle, poor little guy is trying.

We are all trying and sometimes we get it just right and he smiles and giggles but a lot of times we don't get what he wants and he throws himself on the ground and cries his heart out. He has no problem letting us know when we don't do things the way he wants it done and he very much wants things his way a lot. Greyson is trying so hard too. He is eager to please him and just wants him to be happy. I was very unsure of how things would go between the two boys. Greyson is a typical first born and is always trying to do the right thing and can be a tattle tale at times and quickly points out when others are doing what they aren't supposed to be, so I worried I would be annoyed by Greyson telling me all the things Charlie was doing wrong all day. It has been the opposite, he runs and gets stuffed animals to help the tears, he is quick to comfort and try to get him to laugh and just last night as I was visibly overwhelmed with more crying and coughing and trying to get Charlie out of the bath in one piece, I came out to the kitchen to find the table cleared and my decorative dishtowel shoved back on the oven, the table wiped, well everything that was on it was "wiped" onto the floor... I looked with bewilderment at Greyson and said " Did dad come home?" He said "No mom, you looked like you needed help so I cleaned the kitchen for you." Be still my heart, how blessed I am! And that would be why we are at the ice cream shop tonight and Greyson got whatever he wanted. I am so humbled by his sweet spirit and willing attitude and it has truly helped me this week.

So I think I have portrayed some of the realities of adoption.This is hard and physically exhausting. Even now as I write this blog, Charlie has woken up twice with bouts of coughing and crying, he has only been in bed for  2 hours. We are gearing ourselves up for another night of lots of crying and sleeplessness. If we get more than 3-4 hours that would be wonderful. Honestly, I feel like I knew the idea of this little boy much better than I actually know this little boy. If that even makes any sense. We have learned that he loves to be outside and so weather permitting we have taken a lot of walks and that is when he seems happiest.

 Through it all though I am reminded of God's faithfulness and that He is seeing all of this and He is present during the sobbing, fits, anger, pain and joy. He will not leave us as we try to love Charlie the best way possible and He will not leave Charlie as he learns to trust and love us. It amazes me that when the moment is so tough a certain verse runs rapid though my mind and I take 5 deep breaths, keep going and how when we sing praise songs while comforting Charlie we can see a marked difference and he begins to calm down. I remind myself daily that this too shall pass and that in the smiles we do get from him I know that : He who calls you is Faithful, He will surely do it.

Today, with a barky cough, runny nose and rash covered body Charlie seemed happy. He woke up and smiled at me, he let me put him down numerous times today and I only saw 2 fits of frustration. He played earnestly with Ron and Greyson after dinner and laughed a lot. Looking at the long run and keeping myself positive I know that soon we will have found a rhythm and I so grateful that this Mothers Day both my arms will be full. I think that for a little boy who really does not feel great, not sleeping well and is scared that today was remarkable in that after only week we saw some of his true personality and that makes this all worth it!

These pictures don't display this week well, in fact they look to prove me a liar BUT the few times he has smiled I have been quick to grab it on camera, so here are a few shots of what gets us through the rough stuff: