One year since our first trip - an update and thoughts on my mind

My mind is tired this week, it feels like it has run a marathon. Somedays I wish I didn't have to think about adoption, this sounds funny but when you are an adopted parent and navigating the first year they're are a lot of things to  weigh and consider every single day. Add to that the fact that we are in the middle of the paperwork process again, meeting with caseworkers, psychiatrist appointments and reliving our first trip to Korea all this week alone and it's only Wednesday! On top of this I have started one, possibly two, very big projects that have to do with adoption (more info on those another time) plus fighting a nasty chest cold and then just everyday life makes me want to crawl into bed and sleep away a day. But since that is not an option, I write because it relaxes me.

We have had a lot of people ask us where we are at, I think because I used the term lightening fast in my last blog some people got the idea that we might have a baby home by summer. This is not the case and that is okay, we have two boys that keep us hopping the way it is and I am still getting used to the idea of three kids in our family. But here is where we are at so far. The paperwork that we are responsible for is complete minus one piece. We have our mandatory Psych eval tomorrow and our home study was done yesterday. Once both of those get written up by the professionals we can apply for immigration fingerprinting. This is the last step that needs to be accomplished before our dossier can be sent over to  Korea. This is the governments deal so its all up to them as to how long it takes. I am hoping that our paperwork will be complete and sent the first week of May and I believe that is a realistic goal. Then we wait for a referral, which we were being told is still happening at a fast rate but could be up to 6 months.

Also, so many of you have mentioned how excited you will be for me to get a girl or that your sure I am asking for a girl or girl this and that....   We are not requesting for a certain sex even though having two boys and adopting previously from Korea would allow us to set a preference, we are not. How many of us got to choose the gender of our biological children? I didn't and that is why we are not requesting this time. My heart has changed in this regard from our first adoption to this present one. It feels funny to me to even consider asking now. I know plenty of people who do specify and that is their choice but for us we don't feel like it is our choice. This whole adopting from Korea caught us off guard so much so that I am certain God has already picked a child out for us, who am I to argue with Him?

As I mentioned above we have one piece of paperwork left to do and truthfully I have been putting it off.  We are required to send a photobook and write a letter to the birth parents. The photobook is done and even that is sorta weird. I completely understand that is gives some type of healing to the mom to have a picture of the family that will raise her child but it almost seems showy like here is a picture of our home and our smiling, happy family doing so many wonderful things together. It makes me feel bad but then to write a letter on top of it?!? Seriously, what the heck am I supposed to say, thanks, I am sure your child will be fine... How glib. We have to follow protocal and it can only be one sided so then that makes it even harder.  I had to write one for Charlie too and ironically it was the first thing I did but I have learned so much since four years ago when I penned that letter that I feel this time around it is harder.

I want to tell her so many things, express my heartache for her, ease her mind, fufill her dreams that she holds for this baby. Promise her the world for this little babe that we will both always love as only a mother can. I'm crying now, I cry everytime I think of doing it. I will let her know that at milestones and birthday's my mind will always go to her, how I wish I could let her know about not only all the big but all the little things. I will wonder if our child carries her smile, eye color or dimples. So many questions left unaswered, so much heartbreak. Truly though the thought that keeps me awake at night, the thing I never get out of my mind is her salvation. Has she met my Jesus? Is He helping her heal through this painful process? Does she know that He is the Creator of the world and yet He sees each tear that falls from her eyes? This is what is hardest on me. I will make sure she knows that her baby will be introduced to Him, that our life is all about Him. I will make sure she knows she is prayed for all the time. The greatest thing I can think of is that if my kids never meet their birthmoms this side of heaven that in Heaven one day they can have a family reunion. A reunion filled with JOY not despair, PEACE not doubt and LOVE not fear.

So the best thing I know to do is fufill my promise of prayer, what can I do but pray? I will pray for seeds to be planted and faith to be made strong. Pray that God in whom I have HOPE - a confident expectation of good is as His word says in Rom 8:28 Working ALL things together for good. These thoughts lead me to other thoughts though; are you being bold in your walk with Jesus? I am not near as bold as I wish I was. Are we showing the world Jesus though our actions and words?  Are we really willing to take a step out of our comfort zone to talk to someone or pray with someone who we dont know? I just need to think of my children's birth family and it give me a desire for boldness becasue you never know who God places in your life to reach for His Kingdom and what type of reunion you may get to witness in heaven becasue you dared share Jesus!