"OK" - Not much else to say

Well I will just get to it, last Friday we received an email from the head director of Spence Chapin, our adoption agency. It was an odd email and very vague, basically it stated that they needed to have a phone conference with the both of us and it needed to be that day and it was important. Insert big gulp and knot in stomach! We set the meeting for noon and then I tried to fill the time until I needed to get to Ron's office. 

Preparing for the worst, I just didn't know what to expect but he started out the meeting by telling us that this call was not regarding a referral nor was it regarding our wait. ( knot in stomach loosened a bit)

He went on to explain that for the last year the board of directors at Spence Chapin has been considering changing the mission of the company back to what it was when they started. He went on to inform us that when our agency started it was really an advocate program for children in foster care or with special needs in NY. As time changed and international adoption grew the company got involved in the international scene. 

If you have read my blog or looked at my FB page you know about the movement called STUCK and how politics and red tape are ruining the international adoption process. Our agency agrees and has decided that they want to change their focus to waiting children or children with special needs. When I say waiting children that means older children or children with special needs. After reviewing the new focus of the agency we were informed that Korea does not have a program for older children or children with special needs so our agency is going to be dropping out of Korea all together. (Insert Big Sigh) The whole time we were getting all of this information all we kept saying was OK. It's the only response that fit, what else are we supposed to say. Not that other phrases didn't come to mind...

So what does this mean for us? This means that now we will be working with another agency out of Connecticut that Spence Chapin has high regard for and has been working with for the past few months to make sure the programs transitions is smooth and successful. We are assured and reassured that this will not change our wait time. Spence Chapin has had 3 of their top people in Korea hashing out the details and one of them will be going back Monday to continue to work on all the families in the programs behalf. 

I talked to our case worker  today and we had another phone conference with our current agency as well as the new agency. It went well. Our current case worker, whom we love and will miss as we have grown familiar with one another, encouraged us today regarding our wait. He said Korea was aware of our extended wait time and that they had acknowledged the  "nudge" email he sent to them last month. He told us that things should be happening "very soon" and all I could say was "OK"

Please keep us in your prayers!

Sucker Punched! Trying to see the positive in the mystery

It's hard to write lately because everything we learn about is really just pretty yucky. But this blog is an outlet for me, so I will update...

Three weeks ago our local caseworker screwed up our paperwork and to make a long story short everything worked out but not without tears, yelling and stress. I typically do not love confrontation but I did become a mama bear for my kid. I was so thankful all of that was behind us and we were back to just waiting and all our paperwork was updated. I really didn't expect the email we got a week later to knock us on our butts. It was a sucker punch if there ever was one!!

We received an email titled Korea Update and a letter was attached to it from our NY agency. Right away I knew it couldn't be good, I opened the letter and after reading it, sat there stunned. Basically Korea has once again changed their policies and it appears this time it is for real. The new policies includes all the things we never wanted to experience in the adoption process. I will list them:

1) We no longer get a 5 day one trip visit. We now have to have a court date and an embassy date and travel twice to Korea. Anyone adopting knows that this is standard procedure in other countries but Korea has never required this. It's one of the reasons we picked the program...How do you meet your child after waiting so long for them, only to leave them once again?!?

2.) The birth mother will be contacted after we have received a referral but right before we travel for our court date to ensure that she does still want the child to be adopted, gee, I really hope she hasn't changed her mind. If she does you do not get another referral right away although you do not have to start the wait process over again you do have to wait another few months.

3.) We have to appear in court twice, previously no court appearances were necessary.

WHAT?!? To say this news was hard to swallow would be an understatement!!! Especially because we still do not have a referral and May 21 was 17 months of waiting. I called our caseworker, Ben, from NY the next day to go over my 6,000,000 questions. He was helpful and calm. Honestly he is amazing and we love working with him. He talked through everything with me and said he was so sorry. He did suggest that to look at the positive we are able to "move" to Korea for 4 weeks rather than take two trips. This sounds crazy but it is something we are considering. To stay positive we are looking at it as an amazing opportunity to see our child's culture up close and personal and to get to know the baby a little better before we fly home (21 hr flight). We are so fortunate to have flexibility in Ron's job that this could even be an option for us. My heart aches for families who received this news and this could be the final straw for not being able to adopt. The cost of 1 round trip ticket to Korea averages 2,200$. So we are talking thousands of extra dollars to an already extremely pricey process.  Who are these people that change policies at a drop of a hat, ultimately as hard as this is on all the families involved, the waiting children are who suffer the most!

In talking to our caseworker I brought up that we had been waiting over the 15 month time frame. 15 months was supposed to be the longest time we would wait. He was honest with me and said that we were the only family in the Korea program who has waited this long. If I dwell on that statement for too long a sorrow so strong comes over me I am not sure I will ever stop crying. He was at a loss as to why this was as are we. He did however send a "nudge" as he called it to SWS in Korea and just kindly let them know our wait had exceeded expectations. He said in the past this has really helped moved things along as it brings our case to their attention. This was almost 10 days ago...

We have seen a few "God" things in the last few weeks as well. Via FB we were connected to a couple who is adopting from Korea, we have not met anyone else adopting from Korea! They leave this week to meet their daughter for the first time and I am so thrilled to meet them once they come back. We have such a common goal and we have so much in common just because we are adopting. We have gotten involved in the movement STUCK and bothendsburning. The movement will open your eyes to the international adoption world and shock you to action. It was timely as our child is basically STUCK now because of politics.

While this is such a downer blog there is one song that I heard right after we received all of this news and the words just hit me. They so describe how I feel, they minister to my banged up psyche and I do know He is already there. I am going to write the lyrics at the bottom but I am asking for your fervent prayers. We have been specifically praying for a release! That our child is released and able to come home! I know so many are praying because you send letters and texts and encouraging words and so please do not stop! Thank you for your faithfulness, we need it right now!

Your Already There -Casting Crowns

From where I'm standing
Lord, it's so hard for me to see
Where this is going
And where You're leading me

I wish I knew how
All my fears and all my questions
Are going to play out
In a world I can't control

When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory

'Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there

From where You're standing
Lord, You see a grand design
That You imagined
When You breathed me into life

And all the chaos
Comes together in Your hands
Like a masterpiece
Of Your picture perfect plan

When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory

One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
I can't wait to enjoy the view
And see how all the pieces fit

One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
'Cause You're already there
You're already there

A fast paced stand still

It amazes me that it is nearly May! Although it does not feel like it in Michigan, spring is here! We have entered another season and in some respects time seems to be flying by us. The last few months of our lives have been so crazy, we are still trying to catch our breath. Some days I literally felt like I was running to be in 10 places at once.

I feel like I'm in a movie scene that shows special effects, I'll explain as best I can. In some movies when something pivotal happens to a character they make the entire world seem as if it is flying by yet the character is stopped in time watching as the world moves at a fast pace around them. That is how I feel in regards to the adoption. Our family is at a stand still and yet we are moving.

Some people,especially lately, have asked us if we are still adopting. It's a reasonable question really when you think of how long ago we announced that we were starting the process (2yrs) some others have suggested that we switch countries to make the process go more quickly. For anyone who knows anything about adopting this probably made you giggle. It's not like changing a pair of underwear, it's a bit more complicated than that, and we don't want to change our country. These aren't mean questions they are just honest ones. But we are confidant that we will get a referral.

In March we were told that we in a group with 5 other families that were at the the same wait time we were and that of the next few referrals one will be ours. I am at the point where I will believe it when I see it! It's not that I don't have hope, my confidence in God is unwavering, it's just that in this process I have learned to base nothing on anyone's timeline. So far everything has taken so much longer than even our agency expected it to. That is why I feel like I'm in a fast paced stand still.

In the last 5 weeks we have sold our house(in 2 days) updated our home study twice, moved out of our old house, moved in with Ron's parents, traveled to Disney in CA, totaled our car in an accident that thank God we were fine, found a new car, suffered through the loss of my grandmothers death, celebrated in the new life of a niece or nephew that is due in Oct. And through it all, each and every day of not only the last busy few weeks but the last 16 months, I check my phone dozens of times to make sure I haven't missed the agency calling. I play a scenario out in my head of what I will say or how I will act when the call actually comes. I consider how we will feel when I finally lay eyes on a picture of our child. And so far I am left to only my imagination on such things.

Greyson will be five in a few months, he asks why he doesn't have a brother or sister. We can't give him one just yet, can't eve try to have a baby of our own( signed agreements in the paperwork that we wouldn't get pregnant) and it's this area that is one of the most frustrating. We want to grow our family! We want to move forward in life and it is so hard to do so when we are waiting...

A simple verse plays out in my head a lot lately and it's a verse that has helped me throu a lot of stuff. It's in regards to Hagar and her struggle of conflict with Ishmeal, Isaac and Sarah. The verse says something along the lines of " and God saw her" even now the implications bring tears to my eyes. He sees my stand still, He's aware of what is in my heart, he is working all things together. And that brings me Peace, a Peace that passes all understanding. I hope you know the same is true for you in your life. He sees you!

Will I ever dare open another email???

I realize it almost March and it's been a while since I've written but I haven't had much to say (shocking I know).  I picked the title of this post because every month we receive updates from our agency regarding the Korean program and for the first year that was great. Since beginning the second year and particularly the last six months I can honestly say I dread seeing new mail that comes from the agency with an update. Every email has been an update with another change for the program that always adds more time to the process. Yesterday was no different.

Now I am fully aware that everyone warned us of the ups and downs. People have been positive in their encouragement and sincere in the apologies of yet another negative update. We were told to expect some changes to come to the program, we were told to be patient, we were told blah blah blah!!!  Our Agency is not to blame and they have done a great job of communicating and informing us as best as possible but what I was not prepared for was the complete and total, 100% change in the adoption process in Korea while we were smack dab in the middle of adopting!!! Let me just review all the changes. 

March 14 will be 2 years in the program and currently we have been waiting for a referral for 14 months. When we applied to adopt the timeline for adoption looked like this.

- 6-9 months wait for referral, upon acceptance of referral and paperwork filled out wait to travel  was 1-3 months.

- average age of child coming home was 11-13 months

- total number of days spent in Korea was 5.

- no court appearances necessary.

- costs had not changes in several years for country fee

Since the change in government roles in the adoption process and the fact that Korea will ultimately 

close there program for international adoption down in the next 5-10 years, this is what our timeline has changed to in the last six months

- 12-15 month wait for referral 

- upon acceptance of referral and paperwork completed average wait to travel is now 6-9months

- Korea country fee increased 2,000$ (we did not have to pay this based on how far along we were in the process)

- age of child at time of going home 18-24 months

- new time period of days spent in Korea 2-3 WEEKS!

- court appointment now necessary in Korea

The last two points we found out about yesterday after we received another update email, hence the reason I don't dare open any more emails! With every change I have cried and this time was no different. 2-3 weeks in Korea!?! It's just getting to the point where I don't really know what to think about it all anymore.

I was in need of some type of encouragement and I heard on WCSG a snippet of the end of a talk and they were saying that whatever the "thing" was in your life that was getting to you, handle it with this verse:  

                  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with                thanksgiving present your request to God.     Phil 4:6

He went on to say that God is not anxious about your biggest problem because he has already handled it, but he reminded us  to talk to God. He wants you to petition Him, He wants you to seek 

out His advice. He longs for involvement in your life.  I am renewing my mind on this verse and although this is a downer post I know and remember all of the amazingly good things that God has done and will continue to do but today at this moment I'm so sick of it! This made me think of spiritual forefathers and the things they believed in Faith.  So I will end on this verse and hope to have the courage to open next Month's email.

Romans 4:20 -21 Yet he (Abraham) did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.

Jesus: Of course he gets it!

Well Dec 21,12 was officially one year of waiting. We have now been in the program about 18 months. Sometimes it seems like we are just hanging out there doing what God called us to do but doing it all alone. Most of the time I feel His presence especially when it comes to the adoption. The "Peace that passes understanding" is so real but truthfully sometimes I feel like He called and because He is God we did what He asked but that there is no way He knows what I'm going through.

Not sure if anyone else ever feels this way but as I was thinking about this the past week the Holy Spirit reminded me of just how much Jesus the Son and God the Father know exactly what I am going through. They too have been through the same emotions, in fact He created the emotions that I feel.

I think of the anticipation that I have to see my child. My mind wanders to what my children will do, how will they impact the world?  I can't wait to see them be used by God and it hit me that my heavenly Father anticipated the arrival of His child as well. He wouldn't wait to see His Son be used and change the world. He gets what I'm going through!

 It is rare but we have had some negative comments about the adoption, mostly I don't think people mean to say what they say but they do and while it does not make me doubt what we are doing, fear/anger can creep in. When I hear the worst case scenario's I begin to fear the unknown. Then it hits me that Jesus, while on earth, was slandered against and told He was crazy and even if people didn't mean it they doubted Him. He gets What I'm going through!

I think the one that hit me the most this week was the fact that He will be able to relate to my Child in a way I will never be able to. Jesus knows what it is like to be different. He was sent to a place that He was not from, in essence He was adopted! He gets what my kid will go through!

Obviously, Jesus is the Son of God and God is well God, so comparing them to my situations in life may seem like stretching but I think that when I was feeling out there and alone these past few weeks Jesus just spoke to me and said "Been there and done that" NOT in a condescending way but in a "let Me meet you where your at" kind of way. How sweet that is, how refreshing to my Spirit that the God of the universe gets what I am going through because He too has been through it. He will see this adoption through, He will see my every need through because that is who He is.

I hope this serves as an encouragement to you as we soon begin a New Year. It may seem like you are out there on your own but remember He knows what you are going through!

This past year was an amazing year regardless of the fact we did not get our referral. We are so thankful for Greyson, who started Preschool this year at Byron Center Christian. This has been awesome for our whole family. We celebrated my 28th birthday and Greyson's 4th birthday. Ron has been so busy at work but with good reason. The Cook family transitioned ownership from Ron's Uncle Brad to Ron. He is now an owner of the Funeral Home. They also purchased two new funeral homes in the Dorr and Wayland area. I continue to work 1 1/2 days a week and love it. We have seen God's faithfulness in our extended families and enjoy our friendships with our siblings. We love watching our nieces and nephews grow. Our cousin was married this summer and we all played a role in the wedding. Ron's Grandmother passed away just days ago and while we feel sorrow for his grandpa we rejoice she is whole again after years of battling Alzheimer's. We did add a puppy, Marge, to our family and since we are still in the potty training phase I cant say I'm super thankful for her yet but she is adorable and we do lover her. We are excited to see what God has in store for us in 2013!

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and May you have a happy,healthy New Year!!


Here's a few highlights of the past year:

Just an Update

Well it's a busy time of year with all the hustle and bustle of the holidays. We are so mindful of the Lord and his Son that was willing to come down to earth and be our savior. I love Christmas and enjoy shopping, wrapping and preparing etc. But I would be lying if I would say that while I am focused on the True meaning of Christmas...Jesus, the rest of the busyness seems just that this year, busyness! It has not seemed fun as it usually does.

I was hoping that being so busy would make the wait go by faster and before we know it "the call" could come. But it is just not happening, the wait is really getting to me, I'm just so sick of all of the adoption stuff! This Christmas season stands out in our minds especially this year because on Dec 21 we will have been waiting for one year. That is a long time, but it does make us happy because our agency tells us that the wait time for a referral is 12 - 15 months. That means we are nearing the end of our wait!!!

Since we have been waiting a year, we now have to begin updating our dossier. I had to file a petition to get our fingerprints redone, we have to have another home study update done and all our medical information needs to be updated. Just a bunch of busy work. But we will comply and get things in order as soon as possible so everything is set when the time comes.

Unfortunately, we received an email from our agency this week stating that after we receive the referral the wait time to travel to pick up our child has been extended again to 6-9 months. When we started the process 18 months ago the wait to travel was 4 weeks to 3 months. Then a few months ago they told us it was going to be 3 months. Not long after that they told us the wait time was 4-6 months and then of course this week it was extended again! Honestly, this took all the wind out of my sails! It's been a rough week, I've cried and been angry and just plain exhausted with the process. That being said there is nothing we can do except play the game and wait.

On a positive note, I have received medication for my estrogen loss and it has really helped, Greyson is doing well and we are getting a puppy next week (crazy, I know). Ron will soon be celebrating his 30th birthday. So while in one area of our lives, it seems time stands still, other areas move along and change. Above all else God remains faithful to minister His peace to us, His steadfast love is a comfort when we receive bad news. I'm so thankful He was obedient even unto death and came down to this broken world to seek and save the lost. He stays the same and never changes!

We thank all who pray for us and this journey we are on and ask for continued prayer for our family.

Thanks so much!

Finally a Resolve...getting back to myself

I can be a skeptic when it comes to spiritual attacks and I think that sometimes people give the devil WAY TOO much credit for their problems. I also think that sometimes we do not discern true spiritual attacks. Since deciding to be obedient to God and start this adoption journey, I have had one health problem after another come at me. All of it in direct connection to my reproductive system. I cannot let myself get pregnant right now, we signed paperwork and contracts that we would not try for another baby while adopting. I have been told by my OB-GYN that getting pregnant would be the best thing for my body right now, due to my endometriosis. I have had surgery and been very proactive in trying to get my body to work properly. I do not understand nor can explain why now, the time when we are adopting, everything in my body has gone haywire except to say that to me this seems like a spiritual attack. I can say that from what I have learned growing up is that when you are "under attack" from the devil it typically mean you are doing what God has called you to do. (although not always).

The last few weeks and truly if I'm honest with myself the last few months have been hard on my health and my psyche. I was put on a medication almost a year ago, to help with my endometriosis The medication was a shot and I received an injection every 3 months. It was a very strong med and there were numerous side effects.

The first few months were okay but then this past August, my world in a sense flipped upside down. It started soon after my birthday with extreme dizziness( to the point of me falling over) and terrible headaches. Long story short I went to the doctor, was prescribed some meds that didn't really help and was given what now looks like a wrong diagnosis. My blood tests came back normal and so I saw a chiropractor who really relieved some tension and the headaches got better.(I am still seeing the chiro and am now a true believer in them!)Unfortunately my other symptoms persisted, got weirder and I became convinced something serious was wrong. After another evaluation a CT and MRI were ordered.They were testing me for a possible tumor or more likely MS! All tests came back normal. To which I Praise the Lord and had a few good cries about. Thank you Jesus!!!

 I was sent to another specialist and had more blood work and today received really good news. My hormones are completely out of whack because of the medication I was put on almost a year ago. After going off that medication my body was suppose to return to normal but it did not and as a result my hormones are messed up. The Physician Assistant I saw today said my levels were very low especially for my age, in fact they were so low that the results came back at 0.01. This reading means that I have almost no estrogen or progesterone in my body. I'm thrilled to hear this because all of the crazy symptoms I have been having correlate to extreme estrogen loss. I am now on a plan to have replacement (all natural) therapy to get my body to a natural state.

The last few weeks while waiting for results have been tough, so many things run through your mind. I was so scared that this was going to be something really life changing. I know many people go through really bad things and it is hard if not impossible to let your imagination run wild. How blessed we are to have a heavenly Father that walks right along with us no matter the outcome of the tests, He is always there.

I guess I am writing this post mainly because I so HAPPY to be healthy and with a plan to get myself back on track but also as an encouragement to others who are doing as God called them and it's not going how they thought it would. I can say that during alot of this I have spent time in the Word, listening to sermons and praying. Edifying my Spirit! It doesn't stop your  mind but it does remind you to to get it under control. We do need to be aware of the spiritual realm and that there is a very present enemy who seeks to kill, steal and destroy but I will just end with this.

                                                                   Our God is Greater
                                                                   Our God is Stronger
                                                                   Our God is Higher than any other
                                                                   And if our God is for us, who can be against us